In A Time Of Confusion [-[My story]-]

[ILoveMyAbbyGirl]

It was my first day back. All eyes were on me. I mean all eyes. I had been gone for
about three weeks, and they had all noticed. I walked to homeroom with my head
down, not wanting to be seen. I knew I had marks on my face, and they all just HAD
to know.
"Kersey? Hey! Welcome back!" said the cheery, Pippy-Longstocking voice
of Eliza, a girl I used to be friends with.
"Yes, Eliza, I'm back." I said sarcastically, really wishing she would leave me
alone for once. I looked up at her. She was so beautiful. A small petite frame of
about 105 pounds, she was so pretty. My 125-pound body looked like one huge ball
of fat.
"Wanna walk to class with me, Kersey?" Eliza asked, again in the Pippy
Longstocking voice.
"Sure." I said. I was famous for my one-word answers.
"Where were you, Kersey? We were all worried about you. Were you in the
hospital?" she asked, touching my shoulder. I shook her arm off me.
"Yeah." I lied. She didn't need to know, she would only make it worse.
It seemed like forever, but we finally reached my homeroom and Eliza went
further down the hall. Mrs. Finnigan, my homeroom teacher, pulled me outside the
classroom once class started.
"Kersey, I was just wondering how you are feeling, we got word that you were
in the hospital.” she said, reaching for my shoulder. What was it with people and
trying to make me feel better by touching me?
I again backed off. "I'm fine. Okay? I don't want to talk about it." I said walking
back inside.
"What did Fin want?" Olivia asked as I sat back down.
"She was being a pest. Wanted to know what happened. Please promise
me you won't tell." I said looking at her. Again, she was one of the people I admired.
She was a slim 95 pounds, and she looked gorgeous. I knew how she got that
small. She was anorexic. She didn't admit it, but I knew it. She still wasn't happy with
her body, and was still trying to lose weight. I still thought she was beautiful.
"I won't speak a word, Kerns. You can trust me." She said, smiling her
beautiful smile. For the first time in three weeks, I smiled back.
Homeroom ended, and Olivia and I walked to Chemistry. By the time we got
there, class had almost started. Olivia grabbed a seat next to me and class started. I
wasn't in the mood for paying attention so I glanced at everyone around the room.
There was Jeremy, a friend of mine. He sent me a wink, while trying not to be
caught. I winked back, to let him know I saw him.
Then I saw Alexis, another skinny friend of mine. She was a mere 100
pounds, and so pretty. She smiled to me, and I waved a tiny wave back. Next to her
was James, her boyfriend she's had for two years. Two years is a long time.
Compared to Chad and I, two weeks was too long.
It was a long story. Chad and I thought we were the perfect couple; no one
could tear us apart. He was serious in this relationship; I wasn't serious enough,
apparently. He was pressuring me to do things I didn't want to do. He even told me
he would kill me once because I refused for almost the 10th time to go to all the way.
The threats just escalated. He hit me a few times, and gave me a black eye. I
told my parents I got in a fight at school. I hated them anyway, I didn't want them
prying into my business.
Chad and I went to a party and he ended putting a date rape drug into my
soda. I never drank, so I knew it tasted funny before the effects came along. That
was the night he raped me.
I went to school the following day, not talking to anyone except Olivia. I was
kind of fuzzy on what happened, but I knew whatever he did wasn't good. At the end
of the day, I walked to Olivia's house with her. I sat in the kitchen and told her what
happened. By the end I had cried a few times, and I made her swear not to tell. She
did force me to go to a doctor though. The doctor then recommended me to a
rehabilitation center for girls who have been raped. I was forced to go, whether I
liked it or not.
I went and I hated it. I couldn't stand all the preppy girls that were there. I
began to cut myself, on my arms, my legs, my stomach, anywhere where it could
easily be covered. They soon found out, as they always do, and they moved me to a
secure facility, with cameras in every room, and about every 20 feet down the
hallway. That's where I met April, a girl the same age, who had the exact same
problems. She was the one who made me decide to stop cutting. April and I quit
together and got released together. She went back to school out in California and I
got stuck back here in Washington. I never got a hold of her again.
Now, Chad got charged, but he got released from prison. Having sexual
assault on his record means nothing to him. He still won't leave me alone.
I came home that day and noticed no one was home. I snuck into my mom's
desk and stole her scissors. I grabbed my backpack and went up to my room. I
tossed my bag on the bed and looked at the scissors and smiled. I sat at my desk
and rolled up my sleeve. I looked at the untouched scars that ran across my arm. I
rubbed my fingers against them, making them sting a little with pain.
I opened the scissors and held them close to my wrists. I heard a car door. I
dropped the scissors and hid them underneath my bed. If my parents knew I had the
scissors in my room they would send me back to the stupid mental hospital.
I shoved them farther underneath my bed and took out my homework. I had to
make it look like nothing had happened. My mom came upstairs.
"Kersey? Have you seen my scissors? I had them in my desk this morning..."
She said, her voice trailing off as she glanced around the room.
"I think Adam took them. Go ask him." I said, casually going back to doing
my homework. She looked at me carefully and went over to Adam's room. I took a
deep breath. I closed my book and listened until I heard my mom's footsteps down
the stairs.
I pulled out the scissors and touched the cold metal to my skin. I remembered
the sensation of the first time I cut. It was so painful, but it was like heaven. I was
anxious. I carefully slid the blade across my skin and watched the red appear from
nowhere. It slowly trailed a path down my wrist and onto the desk. I was unaware of
the pool of blood until I started feeling dizzy. I looked down and tried to find
something to wipe it up with. I quick grabbed some Kleenex I had lying around. I
threw them in the trash quickly making up the excuse that I had a bloody nose if
anyone asked.
I walked downstairs, trying to get the dizziness to wear off. It was dinnertime,
and my mom came up to me, telling me she was just going to call me down. I sat
down in my spot and looked at the food. Spaghetti. The red sauce made me really
queasy.
"Mom? I need to use the bathroom." I said as I got up. I rested my hands on
the cold porcelain of the sink in the bathroom and closed my eyes. It had been so
long since the last time I cut and it was really making me feel sick. I splashed some
cold water on my face and dried my face off on a towel.
I slowly walked back to the kitchen and sat back down. I didn't eat any of my
spaghetti, I just told my mom I didn't feel good, and I went back upstairs. I sat on my
bed and tried doing my homework. I had a really bad headache so I tossed my
books on the floor and took a nap.
I woke up again and it was almost 9:30. I looked at the sleeve of my hoodie.
There was a small bloodstain but luckily it had stopped bleeding. I looked at the
blood-covered scissors. They were practically walking towards me. I grabbed them
again and reopened my wound, feeling the pain surging through my body again. I
enjoyed this pain. I really did. I closed my eyes and when I opened them, there were
tears on my cheeks.
The next morning I came to school happier than ever. I had regained my
cutting addiction and it made me feel better about myself. I had again this morning,
and I could still feel a small twinge of pain every time I moved my wrist. Olivia
noticed my sudden increase in joyfulness. I also noticed she looked pale and about
ready to pass out.
"Olivia, meet me outside during lunch okay? Under the elm tree." I said,
hurrying to class.
Lunch seemed to come really slowly, but when it did come, I raced
downstairs to the lunchroom. Olivia was waiting for me, pretending to be eating a
hot pretzel. I pulled her by her arm and brought her closer to me.
"Olivia, talk to me. Now." I said angrily. Now I was more than angry. Her
anorexia needed to stop now.
"What?? What's going on?" she asked, putting the uneaten pretzel back on
her tray.

[ILoveMyAbbyGirl]

"Olivia, I know. I know about your eating habits. You cannot live your life like this." I
said.
"Like what? I'm fine.” she said.
"Olivia! Stop it! I know you have an eating disorder. You never eat. You need
to eat, Olivia, you're sick." I said. I could feel the tears welling up in the back of my
eyes.
She shook my hand off her. "I'm fine." she said.
She walked away and didn't talk to me the rest of the day. I felt the
uncontrollable need to cut. I had one chance.
Art class came around at about 2:30. The teacher asked me to go get some
scissors from the storage room. I told her I would, and then set off across the school.
I made it a quick trip, so I could "borrow" a pair and sneak off to the bathroom. I sat
in the stall and pulled up my sleeve. I cut my arm twice, and wrapped some toilet
paper around the two cuts. I hurried back to class and pretended nothing happened.
I went home and cut a few times, and then my phone rang. I grabbed some
Kleenex to cover the wound and looked at the Caller ID. It was Olivia.
"Hello?" I asked calmly.
It was Olivia's mom.
"Kersey, please come quick. Olivia passed out... something's seriously
wrong! She's at the hospital, please come quickly!" She practically screamed into
my ear. She hung up. I had to go, Olivia's mom was a single parent, and she and I
were as good of friends as Olivia and I were.
I ran downstairs and grabbed my jacket.
"Mom, Olivia's in the hospital. I need a ride over their NOW." I said
demandingly. She looked at me. I could see the fear. She knew how close we were.
She drove, practically driving over the speed limit, to the St. Josephine
hospital, about a fifteen-minute drive from my house. She kept looking over at me,
expecting me to tell her what happened. Finally she just asked.
"What happened to her?" she asked, putting her hand on my knee. Again,
people touching me? I didn't want to talk about it. I knew what it was, but I also knew
that if I opened my mouth to talk about it, I would begin crying.
"She's anor--" I cut off. I couldn't say it. I didn't want it to be true. "Anorexic." I
sputtered, looking out the window so she couldn't see me cry. The tears slowly
spilled out the corners of my eyes, like little waterfalls. I closed my eyes and
swallowed hard. Olivia's mom couldn't see me crying. I wiped the tears onto my
sleeves and looked at the small stain. More tears began pouring out of my eyes. I
couldn't help but think this was my entire fault. Olivia had warned me not to cut
anymore. And I did. Now she was dying.
My face burned with the warm tears that kept coming. We finally reached the
parking lot and I ran out of the car. I ran into the cool and calm lobby, everyone
looking at me. 'The poor, poor, fat girl who cuts herself...' the voices said to me. I
shook my head, trying to make the tiny voices go away and then walked up to the
nurse at the desk.
"Olivia Holmes room, please." I said, impatiently tapping my fingers on the
desk.
"Room 269." she said in a cheery voice. I rolled my eyes at her and ran to the
nearest elevator.
"Come on... come on!" I said, pounding the little white up button. Finally it
opened.
Once I got to Olivia's room, her mom came over and hugged me.
"She's so, so sick, Kersey." she said, holding my hands and looking at me
with her red, teary eyes. I looked back at her, and I couldn't help it, but the tears fell
anyway. She was the only person who I let touch me.
I walked over to Olivia's bedside.
"Olivia? Can you hear me?" I said, touching her soft, blonde hair. She was
not responding. She had tubes hooked up to her here and there, and she was on
some sort of breathing machine. As mean as it sounds, I couldn't stand looking at
her that way.
I sat in the chair closest to the window and looked out. Tears were streaming
down my cheeks. I couldn't be here. I told Olivia's mom I had to leave and told her to
call me later if she needed. I walked out in the hall and began walking home.
I walked slowly, a few random tears leaked out of my eyes. I thought about
Olivia and what would happen. If she did survive she would go to a freak house like I
did. I prayed for her. I have never been to church, but I really prayed.
I got home and my face was red and puffy. I went to my room and went to
bed.
I woke up the next morning and decided to skip school and go see Olivia. I
took the bus to the store and bought her some flowers. When I finally got there, I tried
to stay calm as I entered her room. I saw her lying in her bed, still unresponsive. I set
the flowers on her table and sat next to her.
"Hi Livvie." I said, for the first time in years calling her by her childhood name.
Her mom walked in and gave me a hug. She then told me exactly what I didn't want
to hear. She was getting worse. They had a feeding tube in but it was totally useless
because Olivia had lost so many of the needed nutrients in her body and most of her
organs were beginning to quit.
I broke down again. This couldn’t be happening. I went over to the window
again and rested my head on the cool glass. Tears streamed down my face again,
and I felt as if God didn’t care about me. I wiped my eyes and swallowed hard and
turned around.
Her heart rate monitor started beeping slower and slower. I looked at Olivia’s
mom and she was turning pale. The paged the nurse and went over to Olivia.
“Come on, baby girl. Come on.” She said rubbing Olivia’s hair. I watched in
horror as the nurses ran in and checked her pulse.
“We’re losing her!” One of the nurses yelled to another. They started CPR;
they did everything thinkable to poor Olivia. Her mom came over to me crying and
hugged me.
“I can’t watch.” She whispered as she hugged me. I didn’t want to watch
either. They pounded on her, trying to get her back.
“STOP!” I screamed, pushing them away. “You’re hurting her.” I whispered as
I walked over to her. I ran my fingers through her hair and kissed her forehead. I
crawled onto the bed next to her as she slowly drifted out of our lives.
Olivia’s mom had to call my mom to come and get me. She came and pulled
my reluctant self out of Olivia’s bed. I was still crying and I just let my mom take me
home. I went home and went to my room and cried. God hated me, I knew he did. I
pulled out the scissors and cut my leg. I cut it 3 times because I was so angry. There
was blood everywhere, but I was happy. I had no use in this world.
I went to school the next day, due to my mother who threatened to send me
away because I was uncooperative. Jeremy came up to me and put his arm around
my shoulder. I was to depressed to shake it off.
“I heard what happened, Kersey. I’m so sorry. I know how close you were to
her.” He said. I knew he was sad. He loved me like a sister and we practically knew
what the other was thinking.
“It’s hard.” I said. I didn’t want to talk about it. Please Jeremy, anything but
this.
He must have understood me. He was headed to English and I was heading
to gym. We came to our departure point and he turned to face me.
“Kersey, I’m here for you, okay? She was as much my friend as she was
yours.” He smiled at me. “I love you, Kersey.” He said, kissing my cheek. He went
into his classroom and left me there, bewildered by what just happened.
I decided to pretend I had forgotten my gym clothes so I didn’t have to
participate. A few people came up to me and told me how sorry they were, but they
didn’t know. They probably thought, oh, how sad, I should feel bad for her, but I really
didn’t care about anyone else.
Class ended and I slowly got up off the bleachers. I grabbed my bag and
went to meet Jeremy outside the English room. I looked at him and smiled. For the
first time since Olivia passed, I smiled.

[ILoveMyAbbyGirl]

The days passed slowly, and I cut more often. I was really upset with Olivia’s
passing and I decided it was time for me to lose some weight. If Olivia couldn’t live,
I’d be like her and die like her.
I rarely ate anything. I only ate around Jeremy, so he would think I was fine. I
ate nothing at home, I only drank a glass of water a day. I felt the effects within the
first day.
I was lying in bed and I almost couldn’t move. My stomach was growling like
a mad dog, but I would not eat anything. My parents started noticing, so I was forced
to eat when I was around them also and they forced me to come down and eat
supper with them.
I went to school one day, about 3 weeks after Olivia’s passing. I was really
dizzy and pale. I hadn’t eaten anything today, and I hadn’t eaten anything at all for
about 3 or 4 days. I was really growing weak. Then Jeremy began noticing.
“Kersey, I need to talk to you.” He said to me one day. He took me outside
and held my hand in his. I looked at him innocently. “Tell me what’s going on.” He
demanded.
I again looked innocently into his eyes. “What?” I asked, turning away. He
wasn’t supposed to know. This was a secret.
“Kersey. Listen to me. You cannot do this. You need to eat. Please tell me
you will eat.” He said. He looked serious.
“I want Olivia back.” I said, facing him. “If I can’t have her, I will go to her.” I
said. "I'll do whatever I want, Jeremy. My life, not yours." I said angrily and walked
away. I couldn't believe how mean I had just been to him.
I got home that day and went to my room. My bedroom was now my home, it
kept me away from food and people, my second worst enemy. I looked at the
phone. I felt like I should call and apologize to Jeremy. I held the phone in my hand.
Again I noticed the now purple scars on my wrists. I had cut myself this morning
again before school and it had scarred over. I looked at my bloody scissors on my
desk and then down to the phone. My eyesight was blurry... I was crying.
I didn't know why, either. It was like I had lost all connection from my brain to
my eyes. Or maybe I had just cried so much lately I didn't notice it. I wiped them
away and started dialing Jeremy's number. I reached the last number and pushed it
slowly. I put the phone to my ear and listened to it ring. It rang about 5 times, and
right when I was about to hang up, someone picked up.
"Hi, is Jeremy there?" I asked.
"This is." he said back. His voice sounded different... almost as if he had been
crying.
"What's wrong Jeremy?" I asked, concerned.
"You. You're the one doing something wrong, Kers. I tried to help you and you
blew me off. Go ahead, don't eat. You're killing yourself, Kersey. You really are. I
cannot believe after almost 8 years of friendship, you blow me off. What is wrong
with you, Kersey?" he asked softly.
"I... I... I don't know. Jeremy, please don't worry. I'm okay, really, I am." I said. I
wanted him to understand what I was feeling. I wanted him to walk a mile in my
shoes. See how I feel.
"Well think it over Kersey. We've already lost Olivia and I cannot lose you,
too.” he said. I could tell he was holding back tears. He hung up. I put the phone
down and a tear fell onto the bloody sleeve of my sweatshirt.
Thankfully, the next day was Saturday. I came downstairs at about nine, to
find my dad had bought doughnuts. He had always had doughnuts Saturday
mornings, since I was a kid. They looked so delicious. I went over and looked at the
doughnuts. We had cinnamon rolls, jelly-filled... I stuck my finger in the frosting of the
cinnamon roll. I tasted the sweetness of it. My stomach went crazy; I hadn't eaten in a
few days. I closed the box. I wasn't supposed to eat.
I went into the bathroom to weigh myself. Ninety-four pounds. I looked in the
mirror. I looked so fat. I decided to take a walk to burn some calories. I wanted to
walk past Jeremy's house anyway. We needed to talk.
I put on some sweatpants and a t-shirt. I tied a sweatshirt around my waist and
put on my tennis shoes. I began walking. I noticed how beautiful the leaves on the
trees were. They were just beginning to change colors and some showed a peek of
orange ness at the tips. I was about 3 blocks to Jeremy's house. I started a small jog
until I got there. Jeremy was sitting on the porch with his head in his hands. He
looked sad again.
"Hi Jeremy." I said, waving. He looked up and came over to me.
"You look so pale, Kersey. Do you feel okay?" he asked me. I was feeling
dizzy, but I was sick of him talking about me not eating.
"I'm... I'm fine." I said, stopping to take a breath. I put my hand on my forehead
and closed my eyes. I opened my eyes again, and Jeremy had a hand on me to
steady me.
"Maybe you should sit, take a rest." Jeremy said, pointing me to the curb. I
looked at him and things started going black. I saw him one last time before I fell
and he looked terrified.
I woke up three days later, they told me. Luckily for me, my organs were still
working, unlike Olivia's.
When I woke up that third day, I looked around. My dad was in the chair on the
right side of my bed, and my mom had just entered the room with some lunch. She
saw that I was awake and almost dropped the food.
"She's awake! She's awake!" she cried to my dad. I couldn't move. I had tubes
in my nose, one down my throat, and some tubes attached to my arms. I made a tiny
noise, to try and tell her I hurt. My mom called the doctors in and told them I was
awake.

[ILoveMyAbbyGirl]

My stomach longed for food. I had tears in the corners of my eyes. The tears
were from pain, but most of all, just the all around joy of seeing my parents as happy
as they were. They had never been happy for me, or so I thought. I closed my eyes
again and waited until the doctor came.
He finally got there and asked me how I was. I closed my eyes again, hoping
he would get the idea. I felt so much pain, weakness, and sadness at the same time.
I wanted Jeremy.
The doctor told my mom he would take the tubes out in a few days if my body
was doing well enough and I agreed to eat. I would do anything right now if the pain
would go away. Eventually I started feeling better, because they were pumping food
into me. I was gaining strength day by day and a few days later, I was sitting up in
bed.
They had taken the tube out of my mouth so I could talk. I asked my mom if
Jeremy had called or anything. Just as I had asked, the nurse knocked on the door.
She came in and was holding three-dozen roses.
I gasped and put my hand over my mouth. The nurse set them down on the
table next to me. I looked at the card. Written inside, Jeremy had neatly written:

To my best friend.
Kersey, I love you and miss you. I will come visit soon, I just don't want to see
you sick. I was too scared to even ride in the ambulance with you. You really scared
me there, girl. I'll be by later. Stay safe.
Jeremy
He came over later that day, and I shooed my parents out for a while, telling
them to go live for a while, have dinner or something. Jeremy came by about 20
minutes later. He walked in, and when he saw I didn't have any tubes hooked up to
me, he breathed a loud sigh of relief. I was overjoyed to see him. He came over and
hugged me, very carefully. He acted like I was a tiny kitten, not to be handled too
much.
"How's it going? You look pretty good since I saw you last time," he said
laughing. "But still as pretty as you ever were." he said, with a kind, gentle, smile.
I smiled back.
"I had tubes galore, it was really scary when I woke up." I said. "They are
sending me back to the freak house." I said, looking down at my scars, now clearly
visible now that I had my hospital gown on. Jeremy didn't know about the cuts.
"Kersey? What did you do to yourself!" he cried, jumping up and carefully
examining my arms.
I just shrugged. "Nobody cared. It was like they kept me company." I said,
looking away. I knew he was disappointed.
"I cannot believe you! Why didn't you walk to me?? I'm always here for you
Kersey!! Always!" he cried, pacing the room. "I don't want you to go to the
rehabilitation center! That is the worst thing for you, Kersey." he said.
"It's to late, Jeremy. They are taking me anyway. I have no choice in this. If I had
my choice I would be dead by now.'' I said.
"Do not say that again, Kersey. You should be thankful you are still alive!" he
said hugging me again. "I care Kersey, I really do. I want you to know that. We have
never been closer than like when we were kids. Can't we be close again?" he
pleaded.
I looked at his baby blue eyes and I made him a promise.
"It won't happen again, Jeremy. For you, I won't do it again." I said, smiling. He
hugged me once more and kissed my forehead.
"We're close, Jeremy. We always have been. Even though I wasn't ''there'' half
the time, we were still close." I said. We sat and talked for another hour or so, and
then he went home. I had to sleep; they were making me eat on my own tomorrow. I
had to make Jeremy happy.
The next day started really early. I woke up at around six, I swear to God my
whole body was messed up. I have never woken so early in my life. Maybe it was
just being in a hospital.
The doctor came in with a tray of food. On it he had a bagel, orange juice,
toast and some eggs. He wanted me to try and drink most of my juice or most of the
toast. He left me alone for a while and I looked at the food. I couldn’t. I looked at the
food and all I could see was the fat that dwelled inside of it. But I had promise
Jeremy I would try. I took a bite of the toast, because it looked least fatty. It was
good, I hadn’t tasted food in so long. I took a sip of the juice and decided I was done
for the day. I pushed the table away from my bed and wished Jeremy was here.
As if he heard my thoughts, he was at the hospital about an hour later.
“How’s it going? I see you nibbled some toast.” He said, in a half laugh, half
smile kind of voice.
“I tried.” I said. I wasn’t at all upset with myself, it was probably the most food I
had eaten in weeks.
“How long until they let you leave?” he asked me.
“I get to leave in a day or two, if I’m up and moving around. I’m mobile.” I said,
laughing.
“That’s great to hear. Do they allow visitors at the rehabilitation center?” he
asked. “I was planning on visiting like everyday, you know.” He said. He smiled at
me.
“I don’t even know how long I will be there.” I said, doubtfully. I would most
likely be there until I decided to eat right again, which could be a long time. It was a
hard road ahead of me. I didn’t know if I could do it.
“I won’t be able to do it, Jeremy, I know I won’t.”
“Yes you can, Kersey. If you keep telling yourself you can’t, you won’t.” he
said, putting his hand on mine. “I have faith in you, kid.” He said to me.
I got up and sat at the couch by the window. I wanted to go outside so bad.
My favorite season was fall, and it was disappearing before my eyes.
“Let’s go outside, Jeremy. Please?” I begged him. As long as I had someone
with me, I would be fine.
“I don’t think you should, Kersey. We might get in trouble.” He said, finally
coming to sit by me.

[ILoveMyAbbyGirl]

“I’m in for a risk. I’ve been locked up for almost two weeks. I need to get out.” I said. I
went and I pulled the wheelchair out of the closet.
“At least take me in the wheelchair, please?” I asked again, putting on the
puppy dogface. I sat in the wheelchair, ready to go.
“They will think I’m stealing you!” he said laughing. I knew he wanted to make
me happy so he decided we would go outside. He grabbed three of my blankets
and covered me up in them.
“If you’re going to make me take you outside, I’ve got to make sure you’re
warm.” He said, laughing.
He pushed me slowly to the elevator, making sure we weren’t seen. We
snuck inside, only to be joined by my nurse on the second floor.
“And where do you think you’re going?’’ she asked me sternly.
“Outside. Just for a while.” I said, ignoring anything she said to me after that.
We got outside and there was a slight October chill in the air. It made me so
happy to be outside. I wrapped up in my blankets and looked at all the trees, my
favorite part.
It was so special to me, it was like a romantic first date; him and I sitting
outside the hospital watching the leaves turn. I loved every moment.
When we went back inside, I was exhausted. We had laughed and talked for
what seemed like forever, and I was really tired. I decided to take a nap.
“I’ll be back later, kiddo.” He said quietly, after I had gotten back in bed. He
brushed the hair out of my eyes and kissed my forehead. “Eat if you get the chance.”
He then said to me, smiling. He winked at me and left. I finally drifted off and awoke
a few hours later to the doctor coming in.
“She can leave tomorrow, if she’s feeling up to it. She needs to attend the
rehabilitation center for a few weeks to get back on track. Sound alright?” he asked
my parents.
“I guess. I really wish all of this never would have happened.” My mom said,
frowning. She was disappointed in me. Little did she know, that same
disappointment is probably what made me do this.
I left the next day. They allowed me a day to grab my things from home and
pack my clothes. I called Jeremy before I left.
“Hey. I’m leaving soon, just thought I would call and let you know.” I said,
wishing he could come stay with me.
“Well, I will come over later then, hopefully they will let me.” He said. He was
so funny, so anxious to be with me every second of the day.
“Come around 6 then. I should be settled.” I said. We said our farewells, and
I was on my way.
The car ride took about 30 minutes. I got tired easily now that I was home
and off a lot of my medications. I took a short catnap on the way there and when I
awoke, we had just pulled in. I started getting butterflies in my stomach. I was really
nervous.
We walked in and I was greeted by what looked like every patient in the
entire building. It must have been tradition to welcome the newcomer. I felt so out of
place.
I also noticed there were three or four guys there too. I remembered there
were no men at my old rehabilitation center.
There was about 20 or so people there. My parents hugged me and left, and
the nurse, whose name was Julie, led us into the main room of the center. It was like
a huge living room, with TV's and everything. They told everyone to sit in a circle,
except me. I had to introduce myself.
"My name is Kersey, and..." I began. I didn't know what to say.
"What are you here for? We like our problems to be out in the open so we can
help each other." Julie said.
"Do I really have to say? I'm anorexic. That's what the doctors said anyway. I
started because my friend Olivia died of bulimia." I said. I also pulled up my sleeves,
showing off my beautiful purple scars. Some people looked scared, some
disgusted, some looked like they could relate. One of the other guys casually rubbed
his forearms.
"Thanks for sharing, Kersey. You may sit." Julie told me. I sat next to a girl. She
smiled and shook my hand as I sat down.
"My name is Elizabeth. They call me Eliza here." she said. Julie then told
everyone they had to go around and say their names and what they were here for so
I could get to know everyone. This was beginning to get lame.
There was Eliza, anorexic. She was becoming my new friend fast. Antonio, a
guy who was bulimic, and his friend Graham who cut, the one I saw before. Drew,
who was anorexic, Raphael, who was anorexic and cut and Jessica who was an
anorexic also. Everyone finished up and Eliza showed me my room. Graham kept
looking at me as we got up and everyone went to do their own thing.
"We share a room, room 269." she said as she led me inside. Inside were two
beds, two small windows and a desk.
"Cool." I said sarcastically, dropping my bag on the bed.
"Don't be so enthusiastic, Kersey." Eliza said laughing. I could tell we would be
just fine.
After dinner mostly everyone went to the rec area. Eliza and I plopped on the
couch and watched Remember the Titans that was playing on TV. It was one of my
favorite movies. Graham came in a sat in the loveseat closer to the TV. I caught him
looking at me a few more times. What was his problem? Did I have broccoli in my
teeth? After the movie ended, people began going to pool tables, foos-ball tables,
and ping-pong tables. “Wanna play?" Graham asked me, pointing to the foos-ball
table. I hadn't played in so long so I agreed. I was up to a challenge.
"So you cut?" I asked. It seemed like an awkward question now that it came
out of my mouth.
"I do, yeah." he said, scoring a goal. It was silent for a few minutes after.
"I was just wondering, if you'd like to be friends. We are some of the only
people that cut here, maybe we could get through it together." he said, stopping the
game and looking up at me. I didn't know what to say, I wanted to, but I had Jeremy
coming later. I didn't want him to think I was cheating on him... if we were even going
out.
"That would be really cool." I said, but soon realized what I had just said. He
smiled at me and we kept playing.
Graham walked me to my room that night, after a long talk in the rec room.
Everyone had left before we even got started talking. We talked about what was
going on in our lives that made us cut, I told him about Olivia, he told me about
Arissa, his girlfriend, who died of anorexia. We had so much in common, it was
almost scary.
When we got to my room, he looked at me with a twinkle in his eye. He had
told me before he had never really met anyone after he lost Arissa, I was the first girl
he had had enough guts to talk to. I admit it, it made me feel good.
He took his hands in mine and wished me a good night. He winked at me as
he turned around and walked to his room, a few feet down the hall. I watched him go
into his room and wave to me as he shut the door. I couldn't believe I was doing this.
Jeremy came the next day and told me he didn't come last night because he
had extra homework and his mom wouldn't let him leave late. I told him it was just
fine. I didn't want him to see me with Graham anyway.
He sat in my room with me and Eliza, talking about stuff from school. He told
me we were the talk of the school, and rumors were flying that we were "an item". I
guess we were going out, in a way, even though we never really asked each other.
He sat on my bed and held my bony hands. Eliza just watched us with this
smile on her face, she was happy I was happy.
I showed Jeremy around, and we sat in the rec room. Everyone was watching
us, like we were going to spontaneously start making out or something.
Graham came in about 20 minutes later, and he sat in the same loveseat as before.
"Jeremy, this is my friend Graham." I said. Graham waved and smiled
nervously, like he was uncomfortable having Jeremy around. Jeremy also waved,
obviously feeling jealous I had another guy friend.
Graham left when he had to go take his medication and go to his doctor
appointment. Jeremy mentioned Graham.
"What about him?" I asked.
"Does he, like you, like you??" he asked. That was so third grade.
"Jeremy, we're friends, like you and I." I soon realized that wasn't what he
wanted to hear. "But we are closer, right?" I said uneasily.
"I guess." Jeremy said, looking away. I had made him mad.
He ended up leaving later at about the time Graham came back.
"Is he mad? Maybe I shouldn't have come and sit by you.'' Graham said.
"He's just a little jealous, don't worry Graham." I said, smiling to reassure him.
Graham and I played another game of foos-ball, and this time I finally won.
"Wanna go for a walk?" he asked. He loved going on walks. He told me that
last night.
"Sure. Let me go grab my jacket."
We walked outside together and it was the time of the year where the leaves
showed no more green. I told Graham I loved fall, he said he did too.

[ILoveMyAbbyGirl]

We had a lot in common, it was neat. We went back in after walking around the
perimeter a few times. I rubbed my hands together to warm then up. It was a little
chilly out, I should have grabbed some mittens. Then Graham reached over and
grabbed my hands.

"To warm them up." he said, smiling at me. We held hands all the way to the rec
room and decided to part before everyone saw. He winked at me and waved as we
went our separate ways. I could tell my face was red. But I loved it.
I guess it was because I had never really felt that certain sign of affection.
Jeremy hugged me, but it just felt different when Graham did it. I told Eliza all about it
that night.
"But Kersey! You have Jeremy!" she shrieked, but she was excited for me.
"I know, but I don't think we are technically going out." I said. Maybe we were,
I just needed an excuse.
As always, Jeremy came over the next day and I couldn't help but feel bad
about what I had done. We stayed in my room for most of the time, Eliza politely let
me have it for the hour or two he would be here. He kissed my cheek, and I felt my
face turn red. I felt really bad.
We heard a knock on the door. My heart skipped a beat.
"I'll get it." I said, jumping up to prevent him from answering it. I knew it was
Graham. He came and the same time everyday.
I opened the door and there he stood, in his jacket. It was time for our walk.
"I can't right now, Graham." I whispered. "Jeremy's here." I said. Graham
looked shattered. He didn't even say anything, he just took off his gloves and walked
away.
I went back over to Jeremy.
"Who was it?" He asked. I felt it was time to tell him the truth.
"Graham." I said casually.
"What did he want?" he asked, saying ''he'' like it was a dirty word.
"It was time for our walk. We take walks together in the afternoon." I said.
Jeremy then told me he had to go and left with a harsh "Goodbye," and left my room.
I sat on my bed. I was torn between Graham and Jeremy. I layed in bed for
almost an hour when I heard another knock on the door.
"Who is it?" I asked, not moving.
"Eliza. Can I come in?" she asked.
"It's your room too, Liza." I said, smiling into my pillow.
She came in and sat next to me. "I saw Jeremy leave. He looked angry. Is
everything okay?" she asked. The truth was, he was acting more like Chad every
time I saw him.
"I guess. I'm fine." I said, rolling over to face her. "It's just that I can't even have
guy friends now that we're together." I said.
"He'll get over it. If he doesn't, he isn't for you." She said. She shrugged and
left.
I closed my eyes. I hadn't eaten for a while, and I thought it was time to eat. I
got up and stretched and put on my slippers. My feet were really cold. I heard
another knock on the door.
"Eliza?" I asked, puzzled.
"No, it's me." the voice said. It was Graham.
"Come in." I said, nervously. He came in, now without his jacket and gloves.
He sat next to me on my bed.
"Sorry I couldn't come with you." I said. I realized I was fidgeting with my
hands. I only did that when I was really nervous.
"It's alright. I should have known." he said. He looked up at the ceiling then
down to me. "Eliza told me Jeremy looked angry when he left, is everything okay?"
he asked. He was concerned. I loved that.
"I guess. He just acts more and more like Chad everyday." I said, shaking my
head.
"Chad?" he asked.
"Chad is my ex-boyfriend. He raped me about four or five months ago." I
said. I really didn't want to talk about it.
"Oh wow, Kersey, I'm sorry." he said.
"Yeah, let's not talk about it." I said. "I'm a little hungry, wanna go eat?" I
asked him.
"Yeah, one sec." he said. I wondered what he was going to do. I stood up
and stretched again, waiting for whatever he needed to do. He stood up and
grabbed my hands again. He looked into my eyes and I saw for the first time his
beautiful amber brown eyes. Before I knew it, our lips had locked.
We stopped and I looked at him. I couldn't help but smile.
"Thanks." I said. We held hands all the way to the kitchen. I had a grin
plastered on my face the whole time.
I told Eliza all about it. I was so excited. I just didn't know what would happen
between Jeremy and I. Later that night I called him.
"Kersey? What do you want?" he asked.
"I called to tell you... I... I... I kissed Graham." I said.
"You what? Kersey? What?"
"I'm sorry, it just happened."
"I knew it. Just don't call me ever again. If you need help go to someone
else." he yelled angrily.
"Jeremy, can't we be friends? You're taking this a little worse that I thought. I
though you would understand. We have been friends forever, can't we keep that?
We have a great brother-sister relationship." I said.
"I don't care. If you want Graham then have him." He hung up.
I slowly put the phone down. I was shocked. I thought maybe he would
understand that we didn't see each other much, Graham was so much like me. I
closed my eyes and took a deep breath. Like Eliza said, if he got mad, he wasn't for
me. Something was wrong with him. He said he never wanted to talk to me again. I
didn't see that coming. It was only my first week here and look what I have done.
I went out to the rec room to find Graham. He waved me over to the loveseat
where he sat the first day I saw him. I slumped down on the couch next to him. He
stuck his arm around my shoulder.

[ILoveMyAbbyGirl]

"What's the matter? You look depressed." he asked me casually.
"Jeremy and I... aren't friends anymore." I figured ''broke up'' wouldn't be
appropriate right now.
"What? What happened? You guys were great friends." He said.
"I know. I don't want to talk about it." I said, fidgeting with my hands again.
Soon we heard Julie welcoming two new people in the lobby. It was two more
girls.
"Guys? Circle please." Julie said, motioning us to get in a circle. We all sat
down and Graham sat next to me and put his hand on my knee. I had a feeling things
could only get better from here.
I looked up and immediately recognized one of the girls. My heart skipped a
beat.
"Graham! Graham!" I said, shaking his knee to get his attention. I pointed to
the girl on the left. "She's Jeremy's sister!"
"My name is Emma, and they told me I'm anorexic." she said rolling her eyes.
"Her?" Graham asked.
"Yeah." I said, my eyes still locked on her. I couldn't believe it. Of all people.
Emma sat down next to Eliza. She was always the one to greet people once they
sat down. The other person was Heather, who was a struggling bulimic, and you
could tell. She was very frail and tiny looking. I looked at my own hands. I looked just
as bad. It made me wonder how someone as wonderful as Graham could love
someone as ugly as me.
They ended up moving another bed into our room. Emma roomed with us,
and Heather roomed with Raphael, down the hall. I tried to avoid Emma all day. She
knew who I was. But the time would come sooner or later.
Graham and I went for our walk.
"She's roomed with you?" he asked. "What are you going to do?"
"Maybe she won't recognize me." I prayed. I knew she would. I think she
looked at me when she sat down in the circle. Graham put his arm around my
shoulder.
"Maybe it won't be as bad as you think. What are you worried about
anyway?" he asked. I didn't know. Maybe I just never liked her.
"I don't know." I said. I didn't know a lot of things lately. I was really confused.
"Well, if she gives you any problems, you know where I am." he said smiling. I
smiled back. We went back in and I went to my room to get my journal. Emma was
there.
"Hello, Kersey." she said, not even looking up from unpacking her back.
"Hi." I said, plopping down on my bed.
"Jeremy has told me so much about you." she said. I didn't like where this
was going.
"What about me?" I asked, opening my journal and messing through the
things on the desk, trying to find a pen.
"That he loves you. But you cut it off. You should see him, Kersey. He's really
angry." she said. I didn't even like her voice, she had a real eerie voice.
"I don't care. It wasn't meant to be."
She shrugged. "Whatever." she said, then plopped down on her bed with her
book. She was really skinny.
"How long have you been anorexic?" I asked. Maybe not the best question,
but I was curious about those things.
"Almost 6 months. I was doing good until I "over-did it" they told me. My body
was really weak and they put me in the hospital like 2 weeks ago. That place is hell."
she said, not even looking up.
"I know." I said. "I just got out too." I said. Obviously this wasn't going
anywhere so I left and went back out to the rec room. I wondered what else she
knew about me.
I sat in the loveseat and wrote about everything that had happened since I got
there. From Graham staring at me up until my little chat with Emma. Eliza came and
sat next to me.
"So, do you like Emma? I think she's cool." she said excitedly. This kid was
always happy. It was scary.
"Yeah she's fine." I said.
"Wanna go eat lunch?" She asked.
"No thanks, kid." I said. She was used to me calling her kid. I called everyone
kid. She left. I put my journal back in my room and went to the bathroom down the
hall. I looked around. Everything was perfectly shiny and clean. I looked around and
saw what I wanted. Exactly what I wanted.
There was a loose nail in the first stall. I wiggled it out of its place and looked
at the rust it was covered in. I smiled. I went into the last stall. Luckily no one was in
the bathroom. I closed and locked the door, just to be safe. I looked at my purple
scars on my wrists. I had waited so long. I slid the rusty nail across one of the purple
scars. It stung, but it did no harm. I did it again, harder, and blood appeared. I sat on
the cold floor of the stall and closed my eyes, soaking up the pain. I looked down
and the blood specked with bits of rust. The rust was making it hurt worse, but it felt
good. I wrapped some toilet paper around the cut and pulled my sleeve down. I
walked out of the bathroom casually, pretending nothing happened.
Graham was waiting for me outside the bathroom. He must have seen me go
in.
"Hey. Just wondering... want to go to supper with me now?" he asked. I
regained my normal heart rate and smiled.
"Sure." I said. He reached for my hand and looked at my wrist.
"What did you do?" he cried.
I looked down. The blood had seeped through my sleeve.
"Nothing." I said and kept walking. He ran to catch up with me again.
"Kersey you cannot do that." he said. "Promise me you won't." It was the
same thing I had heard from Jeremy. It brought back too many memories.
"Just stop!" I cried. "I don't want to talk about it." I said and turned around and
went to my room and slammed the door.
I collapsed on my bed and cried for almost 10 minutes before I realized
Emma was in the room with me.
"Can I ask?" she asked me.
"No. Don't talk to me." I cried. She herself even brought back memories of
Jeremy. I heard a knock on the door and Emma went to answer it. I wasn't in the
mood for company, even if it was Eliza, or Graham even. I didn't want to be
bothered.
"Just a sec." I heard Emma say. That usually meant, 'Let me go see if Kersey
wants to talk to you or not.' Great.
"Kers, it's Graham." she said.
"I'm busy." I said, rolling over so he couldn't see me crying. She went back
over to the door and a few seconds later, the door closed. I closed my eyes and
went to sleep.
I awoke and looked at my alarm clock. It said 11:30. Emma was asleep in
her bed and so was Eliza. I quietly climbed out of bed and opened the door. I stood
in the hallway and looked both ways. I wasn't supposed to be out of bed right now,
and if I got caught I would get in trouble. I couldn't be within nurse range for a while,
to avoid my new scar showing.
I walked to the pitch-black rec room and sat on the sofa. I pulled my knees up
to my chest and looked out the window. I saw nothing but the moon and the
leave-less trees blowing in the wind. I closed my eyes and I realized, once again, I
was crying and didn't notice it.
I closed my eyes again and must have drifted off into a very light sleep. I
woke up when I felt someone put their arm around me. I gasped, and looked to my
side, but I couldn't see anything because it was so dark.
"Kersey, it's me." the mysterious voice whispered. It was Graham.
"What are you doing up?" I asked.
"Thinking about you." he said. "I'm worried." he said, running his fingers
through my hair.
I didn't know what to say; I was speechless. Then he leaned over and kissed
me. It was almost magical. Then we heard a window break.
I looked out the large bay window in front of us. A masked person had broken
the window and was carrying a knife. I screamed, alerting the nurses. Nurses
emerged from everywhere, someone was screaming "Call the police! Call the
police!" Someone pulled a fire alarm, and soon everyone was scrambling around in
the hallway to see what was going on.

[ILoveMyAbbyGirl]

The masked person pushed over chairs, knocked over our foos-ball table, and
finally their eyes landed on me and Graham, frozen to the couch.
"Kersey, MOVE!" Graham screamed, pulling me up and pushing me towards
the nurses. The nurses shoved me to the back of the crowd, fearing that I was the
target. I pushed my way to the front again and saw Graham and the intruder having a
stand off. The intruder was swinging the knife all over the place, a few times
skimming the edge of Graham's arms.
"Graham, be CAREFUL!" I screamed, tears pouring down my face. A few of
the nurses alerted everyone to go back to their rooms. Eliza and Emma pulled me
away from the crowd and pulled me into the room. Everyone was told to lock their
doors and windows.
I was hysterical. I heard cops yelling and nurses yelling. It was horrible. I finally
gave up and went to the door and peeked out.
The cops had handcuffed the man, after they had pulled his mask off. I saw
his face and collapsed onto the floor in tears.
Emma rushed over and helped me up. She looked out the door and gasped.
She put her hand over her mouth and I saw tears pour out of her eyes within
seconds. It was Jeremy.
Eliza opened the door and ran out to check on Graham. I ran out too, still in
tears, Emma not far behind. She didn't even look at Jeremy, she was more
hysterical than I was. Graham was in a pile in the corner, holding his arm. Medics
were crowded around him, and I pushed my way through.
"Graham! Are you okay?" I cried.
"Miss, you'll have to step back. We need to take him to the hospital." one of
them said. I quickly kissed Graham on the forehead and got out of the way. Eliza
hugged me, and we pulled Emma in. She was crying so hard, she almost collapsed
like I did in the room. We sat her on the couch and got her some water.
"He...he... I can't b-b-believe it." she said, after she had slowed down the
crying.
"It's gonna be okay, Emma. It's gonna be okay." I said, hugging her. I was
crying again, I was scared to death of what would have happened if Graham wasn't
there. He was a lifesaver.
It was now almost 1 o' clock, the nurses ushered everyone to bed. We
stayed out in the rec room, disobeying the nurse. We wanted to get Emma settled
down before we went to the room to avoid waking anyone. We stayed up until past
three, then we walked Emma back to the room. I didn't sleep much that night. I was
worried about Graham. And I was worried for my own safety.
We all woke up around the same time the next morning. We wandered out to
the rec room and saw some workers taping up the window. Graham was back, both
arms bandaged and casted. He was on the loveseat, just sitting there, all alone.
"Graham?" I said quietly. He turned around to face me.
"Hey." he said quietly.
"Are you alright? Is something wrong?" I asked, sitting down next to him.
"I'm fine." he said. "Tired.'' I rested my head on his shoulder and he rested his
head on mine. Everyone was staring at us, one, because we looked weird, two,
because of the fiasco last night. We took our walk, and it was quiet most of the way.
"I'm sorry about last night." I said, looking at my feet. "Really sorry."
"It wasn't your fault, Kersey." he said. We stopped walking and I looked at
him.
"You saved me, Graham. If you wouldn't have pushed me out of the way, he
could have easily gotten me. I was frozen."
"I know. But it's all okay now. They told me they took him to jail." he said. He
hugged me and we walked back inside. It was getting colder everyday, we couldn't
stay out too long.
Graham, Emma and I got called to the office soon after. We were to meet
with the counselor, Rachel. Emma needed it more than either of us, but we all went
together.
"My name is Rachel, I will be your counselor. So, do you want to tell me how
you are related to Jeremy?" she said looking at me.
"I, well, I was his girlfriend, I guess. We were really good friends, we maybe
kissed once or twice, but I never really thought of it as a relationship." I answered.
"He's my b-b-brother." Emma replied. Graham just nodded towards his casts
and she got the point.
"Ok. So what happened between you two, Kersey?" she asked.
"I don't know, he just got really overprotective all of a sudden, like I wasn't
allowed to have guy friends and stuff. He changed really fast." I said, fidgeting with
my hands again. We talked a little while longer, then she excused Graham and I and
someone else came in to talk to Emma. Heather came up to us as we were leaving.
"Is Emma okay? I'm kinda worried about her. She's a mess. Anything?" she
asked.
"She's a wreck." I said, to put it bluntly. Graham and I walked back to his
room, he shared with Drew.
"Kersey, I need to get out of here." he said. "I hate it here."
"What?" I asked, astonished. "We can't just leave."
"I need to. I'm going insane." he said, pacing the room.
"Well, when are you scheduled to get out?" I asked, getting up and putting my
hand on his shoulder. His pacing was making me nervous.
"I don't even know. I've been here for months." he said. He had tears in his
eyes. This was really hard on him. I really didn't know what to say to him.
"Let's go play foos-ball." I suggested. We went and played a few games then
went to dinner. I ate more than usual, I don't know why. I was really tired so I left and
went to bed early.
"Night, Cracker." I said. Cracker was his nickname. I used it only when I
needed to cheer him up. I went to bed at around 10.
I fell asleep quickly. Emma was with her parents, she didn't need to be
locked up here at the facility. Eliza was staying with Heather, because they had soon
become great friends. I had the room to myself.
I was awoken at 4 in the morning. I yawn and looked at what had woken me
up. I looked and saw Graham in my room packing up all my things.
"Graham? What the--?" I asked, rubbing my eyes and getting up.
"We're getting out of here, Hun. Come on, we're getting out." he said.
"But how? There's camera's at the entrance, Graham!" I said. I got up anyway
and put my slippers on. I grabbed my meds out of the drawer beside me and tossed
them in my bag.
"Don't worry about those. I cut the wires before I came to you." he said. He
was serious about this. I wrote Liza and Emma a note and stuck it on my pillow. I
really didn't want to leave, but I knew Graham needed me. I'd keep in touch.
He pulled me towards the door and we looked both ways before we ran out
into the hall. We ran out the door and into the freezing cold air.
"Graham, I don't know, this is really risky. They will find us." I said, holding
back.
"Kersey, I don't care if they find us. I just need to be out in the open for a
while. I need to do things on my own, pick my own food, not have supervised
meeting sessions. I'm going, and if you come, you come. I'll be pretty lonely without
you." he said, turning around. He began walking again. I ran up to him.
"Wait. I'm coming." I said, hugging him. We started a small jog towards the
gate, laughing the whole way. This would be a blast.
We got to the road and began walking towards the city. I was shivering like
crazy, but I didn't care. I was having fun. We got a cheap hotel room, and partied the
night away. I got tired fast, so I had to lie down after a while. Graham plopped down
next to me and we both looked up and the stained ceiling.

[ILoveMyAbbyGirl]

"I have to say, quite the hotel, eh?" he said. I laughed so hard that I had tears in my
eyes. For that day, I had forgotten about Jeremy, my anorexia, my cutting. We both
fell asleep on the bed and woke up the next day to someone pounding on the door.
My heart skipped a beat. We were toast.
"Stay here." he said. He got up and looked through the peephole. It was the
hotel manager. Graham opened up the door and stepped aside.
"A little to much partying last night, folks." he said. I couldn't help but laugh.
''I'm sorry, sir." Graham said, and closed the door. We both busted out
laughing as soon as the door closed.
"Let's go to the mall. We can look at least." I said. I had very little money,
Graham had some left, he had his parents bring him some every once and a while
thinking it was for the monthly fee. What a joke.
"How much do you have?" I asked.
"Well I told my parents the monthly fee was $20, so I have a little over $60
left." he said. That was for food. Or else we had nothing.
We wandered around for a while, then sat in the center square of the mall.
We were laughing and having a great time when I saw something that caught my
eye. I got up and walked toward the newspaper stand. I grabbed the top one and
looked at the front-page story.
"Local Jailbird Escapes From Jail" the headline said. They showed Jeremy's
mug shot picture. I lost my breath for a second and had to close my eyes to make
sure I was reading it correctly. Graham appeared over my shoulder. He grabbed the
paper out of my hand and threw it back on the rack.
"Come on, baby. Let's go back to the hotel." he said. He grabbed my hand
and we ran out of the mall. When we stopped outside the mall at a busy intersection,
I felt tears in the back of my eyes. I closed my eyes and let them fall.
We hurried back to our room and slammed the door behind us. I was so
exhausted, I felt like I might pass out. I sat on the bed and closed my eyes. I needed
food.
"I'm starving Graham." I said. I looked in the mini fridge in our room. Nothing.
"I'll go get you some, baby." he said. He grabbed a twenty off the table and
looked out the door.
"You stay RIGHT here." he said to me. "Do NOT move." he said, with his
hand on my shoulder. I looked at him through my teary eyes. He ran outside and I got
up to watch him through the window. There was a McDonalds down the street so I
watched him the whole way. I grabbed my pills out of my bag and took some. I had a
really bad headache. I sat back on the bed and drifted off for a few minutes when I
heard something that woke me with a jolt.
It was a gunshot. I screamed and ran outside. I knew it was Graham. I was so
scared.
Someone was standing in the middle of the road with a gun in the air.
The person with the gun had only shot into the air. I looked around, scared
and confused, looking for Graham. I saw him in safety across the street, in the crowd
of people who had gathered outside.
The person holding the gun was still to far to see, but I knew it had to be
Jeremy. He was screaming something that I couldn't hear. He looked around at the
crowd and saw me.
"You!" he screamed pointing the gun at me. I stood my ground. "You
disobeyed me and you loved me. You left me. You will pay." he screamed at me. He
took the gun, still aimed at me and got ready to pull the trigger. I closed my eyes but
kept my composure. If he was this serious, he could kill me for all I cared.
I kept my eyes closed until a gun went off. I jumped and covered my ears,
waiting for pain. Nothing came. I slowly opened my eyes. Everyone was down on the
ground and I was the only one standing. I looked and noticed Graham was also
standing. We both looked into the middle of the street. Jeremy was in a pile on the
road.
I pushed through everyone and walked to Jeremy. He was lying in a heap on
the ground. He was still hanging on, but barely conscious. He opened his eyes for
the last time and said, "I love you."
I cried; I really did. I didn't know what had gotten into me. This person had
tried to kill Graham and I and I was crying over his death. I bent down and kissed his
forehead. Graham appeared behind me and I turned and hugged him tightly.
Graham wrapped his arm around my shoulders and led me back to the hotel
room. I was still crying and I was just glad Graham understood. I told him I wanted to
stay in the hotel overnight, then go back to the Rehab Center. I didn't feel safe
anymore.
I was a mess from then on until we left. I didn't cry, but I was just depressed. I
felt like I had killed him. I ruined his life, I killed him. I had lost two of my best friends.
We walked back to the rehab center later the next day. We were welcomed
back by everyone, who was waiting in the lobby for us. Everyone was in tears, and I
noticed Emma was back. Heather and Eliza were near the front of the crowd, along
with Rachel and Emma. I ran up and hugged everyone, and they welcomed us back.
I wiped the few tears out of my eyes and looked over to Emma.
"How ya doin', kid?" I asked, trying to smile for her.
"It was meant to be. I'm sorry you had to be involved, Kers. He's in a better
place now." she said. I knew he was. I was happy she understood.
It turned out Graham was going to be released later that week, on Friday. I
was partially devastated, but I knew it would make him happy. I was being released
in a few months, I felt like I would be here forever. Graham had most of his stuff
packed about two days before he was to be released. He and I spent a lot of time
together in the rec room. We had our daily foos-ball games, but our daily walks were
cut shorter and shorter until they disappeared all together.
Finally his day came. Julie, Rachel and Heather went and bought party
supplies. We had a huge going away party, because he was a huge part of the
center. The night of the party was coming up and I was really excited. Only a few
hours till take off!
Julie had ordered a cake, Heather helped in making some sugar cookies,
Emma and I decorated the rec room. Drew was allowed to take him out for lunch, so
we could set up.
"This is going to be AWESOME!" Heather cried, as she entered the
decorated rec room. There were streamers everywhere, balloons, music, the food
was set up in the corner, and it WAS going to be great.
Graham and Drew came back about 10 minutes after we finished. We all hid
in the rec room somewhere, and when he entered and turned on the lights, we
waited.
"What is going on?" he asked, looking around. We all jumped out and
hugged him.
"Thanks guys, this is really great. I'm gonna miss you." he said. That last line
brought everyone to tears, but they were mostly happy tears, because this was
meant to be a happy day, not a sad one.
"Thanks guys, this is really great. I'm gonna miss you." he said. That last line
brought everyone to tears, but they were mostly happy tears, because this was
meant to be a happy day, not a sad one.
The party was great, everyone had a lot of fun. I ate 2 whole cookies, Graham
was very proud. He said he would come visit once a week, and when I got out we
would move away and live together forever. Those were his exact words.
Later that night, we moved everything to the side and had a disco ball put in.
We had a huge dance floor, and I think it was the biggest hit of the night. We had rap
music playing, slow dances, everything. I got to slow dance with Graham twice
before he decided to share himself with the other women. I danced with Drew, and
later on Emma, Eliza, Heather and I danced together. It was so cool.
The night ended, and everyone left. Once again, it was Graham and I left in
the decorated rec room. The disco ball was still spinning, music still playing. It was
more romantic than the kiss in the dark. The moon was shining through the replaced
window onto the dance floor. We danced another slow dance and he kissed me
goodnight. He promised he would wake me before he left. We parted our own ways
and went to bed. I was the happiest person in the world.
Graham woke me up at around six.
"I'm leaving, baby." he whispered while I was still laying in bed. I smiled and
kissed him.
"I'll see you later. I'll come by next week." he said and winked as he left. "Love
ya, Kers." he said. I smiled and went back to bed. I woke up again at around eight. I
already missed him. I could tell this was going to be a hard week without him.
I went to breakfast and had a whole slice of toast. I had my doctor’s
appointment today also. I was hoping for good news, and that maybe I would get out
earlier than planned.
I went to Shannon's office down the hall. It was the first time I had been to the
doctor in a while. She weighed me first, and I was what she called a healthy 105
pounds. I shuddered.
"You're doing awesome Kersey. When you came, you were just over 90." she
said, smiling. "Way to go." She checked my blood pressure, my pulse, and she took
some blood. I felt an uncontrollable urge to cut. 'You can't Kersey. Tell yourself no.'
said a voice inside my head. I fought the urge and won. I was getting better by the
day, the doctor told me. And I actually believed it. Then the doctor gave me the
prognosis.
"You are doing well, for your area. I'm thinking maybe you can be released in
two weeks instead of four if you keep up your weight and eating habits." she said. I
was overjoyed.
Today was my 19th birthday. We all went out shopping. Heather bought me a
new CD, Emma got me a charm bracelet, and a few people got me some charms
for it. It was probably the best birthday I'd had in a while.
We danced again, had some snacks, and I went to bed really late. It was
about one before we all decided to call it a night. I went to bed wondering why my
parents didn't call.
Graham came the next day to wish me a happy birthday. He said he would
have come the day before but his mother was sick and was rushed to the hospital.
"I'm sorry, Graham." I said hugging him.
"Kersey, phone!" Heather yelled.
"Hang on." I said, running over to Heather.
"I think it’s your parents." she whispered, while handing my phone.
"Umm, hello?" I said, clearing my throat. It was my mom.
"Hey, baby girl! Happy Birthday!" She said. I could tell she was trying to be
cheery to make up for not calling yesterday.
"Hi Mom. Thanks." I said, with no enthusiasm whatsoever.
"Did you get our card? We sent it yesterday, it should come today." she said.
"No, mom."
"Well it will come. We need to run, baby. Have an awesome day." she said.
"It was my party yesterday, but I'll have a better day than if I was at home." I
said, hanging up. I didn't care if they didn't.
I went to check my mail. Sure enough, there was my birthday card, along with
one from my Grandma in England and one from my aunt in Texas. At least they had
an excuse for a late birthday card. I opened the one from my aunt Tracey first. The
card had a fifty in it. I gasped. I wasn't all that surprised, she had always given us
money. Ever since I was six.
The next was from my grandma Miranda. She wrote so many x's and o's it
made me dizzy. Inside was a twenty. I smiled and stuck the money back in the card.
The one from my parents was different. Inside they had all signed their names, and
put two x's and two o's. It wasn't that special. I frowned and put the card back in. It
was like I was a stranger to them. They were too afraid to write I love you.
Graham told me he was in the process of apartment searching. He had found
a few and was wondering if I would like to move in with him once I got released. I
told him I would love to. It would be better than going back home to people who don't
care.
Then once again, a new member came to the facility. Her name was Josie, a
struggling drug addict. She told us she had been doing drugs since she was 12. It
actually scared me at first. She looked like a cool kid though, but I only had two
weeks left, I didn't want to get attached to someone like the way I am attached to
Emma, Heather, and Eliza.
It was two days before I was scheduled to leave. Eliza was told she was
being released in a few weeks too. I was already an emotional wreck. I felt I had to
pay them back somehow, to make up for them having to deal with me. I went and
bought each of them a charm bracelet with what money I had. They cried when I
gave it to them, and we all had a group hug.
"We'll never forget you, Kersey." Heather cried, hugging me.
"Yeah, you have become such a great friend to me, Kersey girl. You're the
bomb." she said smiling.
"You guys, I promise I will come and visit. Promise. You all mean a lot to me
too, I wouldn't dare forget you." I said, smiling and wiping the tears out of my eyes.
"Kersey, you have another letter." Rachel told me.
"Be right back guys." I wondered who it was from. It was my birthday almost
two weeks ago. I pulled the letter out of my mailbox and looked at the address. It
was from Olivia's mom.
Kersey- I hope you had a great 19th. I couldn't find your address, and couldn't
get a hold of your parents. I'm sorry about Jeremy. Hope you're doing alright, honey.
I've included a picture I found of you and Livvie. I, again, hope you have a great 19th.
Love, Mom.
She actually signed it mom. I really called her mom when I was little and over
at Olivia's house. She was a mom to me. The mom I never had.
The picture was of me and Olivia when we were about seven. She had
perfect curly blonde hair when she was little, and we had been playing dress up. She
was in a long robe and had curlers in her hair. Me, on the other hand, and a suit and
hat on. Whenever we played house I got elected dad.

[ILoveMyAbbyGirl]

I put the picture down. I closed my eyes and put my head back, forcing the tears
back in. I wiped my eyes on the sleeve of my shirt, regained my composure, and
went back out to the crowd of people.
"What was it? What took you so long?" Heather asked. I held up the picture
of Olivia and I and felt a tear on my cheek.
"Aww, Kersey, how special!" Emma said, hugging me. I hugged her back
and let the tears fall.
Graham came the next day to help me move in. More tears were shed, and
everyone wished me luck. I hugged everyone, even Josie, Rachel, Shannon and
Julie. It seemed like everyone was waiting for something. They were saying
congratulations to me, and I suspected it meant congratulations on getting out. But
something was fishy.
"What is the matter with you guys?" I said, laughing. Graham took my hand
and led me to the rec room.
"Kersey?" he asked.
"Yes?" I said, looking at him strange. I wanted to know what was going on.
Everyone crowded around to see what was going to happen. He looked down at his
feet and stuck his hand in his pocket. He looked up at me and smiled. He got down
on one knee.
I was speechless.
"Kersey, you have brightened my life in so many ways. You taught me
honesty, trust, and most of all love. I have never met anyone as great as you, and I
hope it stays that way. You are the greatest thing that has happened to me. Please
say you will be with me forever. Will you marry me, Kersey?" he asked, still smiling.
I had tears streaming down my face since he had gotten down on one knee.
He had tears in the corners of his eyes too, it only made me cry more. I had one
hand over my mouth and he had my other hand in his. He kissed my hand and stood
up, and put the ring on my finger.
"I know its a little early, but better early than late." he said, still smiling. My
face was really red, I was still crying, and Emma, Eliza, Heather, Josie, Rachel, and
EVERYONE came running up to me. They were all crying. I hugged him and he
kissed my forehead. I was from then on the happiest person in the world.
We stayed for a while then left at around 5. I said my good-byes and hugged
everyone once more. Graham showed me the apartment. It was really big, and
brand new. I loved it already. There was a small garden in the back, with tons of
space for planting flowers. He had a few things moved in already, and a few boxes
lying around. I put my stuff in the bedroom and we went shopping.
He drove, I wasn't "in well enough condition" to drive, or so Shannon had
said. I looked around, because it had been so long since the last time I had been
outside. We went shopping and on the way back decided to drive around and see
the Christmas lights that began appearing around town. We drove around and
around, saw numerous houses, and decided to head back.
Graham had applied for a job and began work the next day. He was working
as head cook in a popular restaurant down the street. He had studied cooking all
through school, but when he got put into the Rehab Center, he had lost all hope. He
proved himself wrong and became head cook almost instantly.
I had another doctor appointment in a few days, so I decided to weigh myself.
I was 110 pounds. I again shuddered at the thought, but I knew it had to stay up in
order for me to stay here. Graham also had a doctors appointment, but his was
today after work.

I had another doctor appointment today, so I decided to weigh myself. I was
110 pounds. I again shuddered at the thought, but I knew it had to stay up in order
for me to stay here. Graham also had a doctors appointment, but his was today after
work.
Our neighbors came over that day to say hello. One was a single mother with
five kids. All under the age of 7. When she came, I said hi to her and the kids and
when she left, I couldn't help but laugh. It was mean, I know, but she was the exact
replica of what you would see on TV. Another was some teenage guy. He was like
18, probably had no clue what he was doing.
"I am James. Very nice to meet you." he said, looking me over. He winked at
me and left. I rolled my eyes. I went back inside and made lunch. Graham was
teaching me how to cook, but I could still only make Mac and cheese.
He came home from work just as I had finished making my Mac and cheese.
He ate most of it, he told me he was starving. I rolled my eyes at him and laughed.
We both went to the doctor together. He was first, and I went in before he came
back out. The doctor told me I was doing good, 111 pounds, and I was pretty
healthy. I went and waited outside for Graham. He came out about ten minutes later.
"I am perfectly healthy!" he said, happily. "The doc examined my cuts and he
said if I ever attempted again, they would put me back." I looked at his wrists. His
cuts were much worse than mine. Deeper and longer. I looked at my own. My
infected cut. It was still swollen, believe it or not, and it was a nice shade of purple. I
was now beginning to realize they were ugly. Cutting was bad.
When we got home I wrapped Ace bandages around my wrists. I didn't want
them to be visible to public. They were signs of my past. I didn't want people to know
my past.
While Graham was at work, I looked at a wedding magazine I had picked up
a few days ago. I didn't want to look at it at first, in fear of being to fat for all those
gorgeous dresses. I finally just gave in and looked. There were huge poofy ones,
slim and silky ones, every kind you could think of. I remember back to when Olivia
and I were young. She always wore a dress that she said was a wedding dress. It
was "nice and smooth and shiny", Olivia had always said. I looked at the silky ones. I
fell in love with a dress that had thin straps, and it was ankle length. It also had a
see-through lacey sash that went over your shoulders. I loved it instantly.
I decided to walk to the Rehab center to visit everyone. It had only been a few
weeks since I left, but I missed them terribly. It was maybe a mile walk from here. I
put on a sweatshirt, thick jacket, mittens and a hat and left. The doctor told me to be
very careful and stay warm, my organs were still weak, and if I got sick, it could
possibly be fatal.
I walked along the road as cars whizzed by. I pulled my jacket up around my
face because the wind was blowing directly at me. I kept my hand clasped over the
magazine page so it wouldn't blow away.
I arrived about ten minutes later. I was frozen to the bone. I quietly knocked.
Shannon opened the door.
"Kersey!!" She cried, hugging me. "Everyone come!! It's Kersey!" She
yelled. Within seconds, everyone was bunched around me, giving me hugs. I noticed
Eliza wasn't with the group.
"Where's Eliza?" I asked Heather.
"Oh. She's not doing very well. She hasn't been right lately. She tried running
away and she got really sick from the cold. She's in her room if you want to go visit
her." Heather said, hugging me quick before I went to Eliza's room.
I knocked quietly on the door.
"Eliza? It's me, Kersey." I said. I heard her get up and come to the door.
"Oh, hi Kersey." she said. Her face was red from crying.
"Eliza, girl, what's wrong?" I said, putting my arm around her and hugging her.
"It's just so bad, Kersey. I hate it here,” she cried into my shirt.
"What happened?" I asked.
"I tried to leave. Kersey this place is hell without you." she cried again. "I
wanted to leave so I left during my break. It was really cold and all I had was what I
was wearing. I got sick, they found me walking on the street." she sobbed again.
"You can't just leave, Liza." I said.
"You did!"
"I know, I shouldn't have. Look at what happened. I almost got Graham and I
killed, and someone killed himself. I didn't enjoy it. Stay here, where you have food
and a nice warm place to live. You don't want to leave till its time." I said, stroking
her hair. "Promise me you will stay until you get better." I said.
"I guess. I just don't want to be here anymore." she said, wiping her teary
eyes. "How are you and Graham?" she asked.
"Good. I picked out a wedding dress. Wanna see?" I asked, smiling.
"Yeah!" she said. I pulled the page out of my pocket and unfolded it.
"This one." I said, pointing to it.
"Aww, Kersey, it will look so beautiful on you! I'm so happy for you!" she
cried, hugging me. "Guess what?" she said, grinning from ear to ear.
"Huh?"
"Drew and I have... a thing." she said, silently clapping her hands.
"Wow, you and Drew? Way to go!" I said, high-fiving her. This is what I
missed most; the girl time I had with Liza, Emma and Heather.

[ILoveMyAbbyGirl]

"That reminds me, where's Emma?" I asked.
"She... she.." Eliza began. Maybe I shouldn't have asked.
"She ran away a while ago too. She got really sick. She's still in the hospital."
she said, sadly.
"Oh wow. Stuff has really changed around here." I said. I was fidgeting with
my hands again. "How long until you are released?" I asked.
"About three weeks they told me." she said.
"Well when Graham gets home from work I am going to stop and see Emma
in the hospital, want me to come and get you?" I asked.
"Would you? I'd love to go see her. I think she would love to see you too." she
said, smiling.
"Sure! We'll come around six or so. Be ready!" I said. "I better get going,
Eliza." I hugged her. "Stay safe." I said, pointing my finger at her.
"You sound like my mother." she said, laughing.
"Exactly what I was going for." I said, laughing along. I hugged everyone
again and put my jacket back on. I went back outside into the 34-degree weather. At
least that's what the bank's time and temperature sign said. I figured it would have
been better to stay home. I was already feeling sick. I was about two blocks from
home and my eyes began watering from the blistering cold. I felt a cold coming on.
It was about three when I got home. Graham was due home in about two
hours. I decided to make a sandwich. I was going to try and eat a whole half this
time too. I was really tired and groggy while I was making my sandwich. I decided to
lie down for a while and sleep it off.
I couldn't even sleep. I had a huge headache, my stomach hurt really badly,
and I was really pale. I thought I better call Graham.
"Graham? I think I'm sick. I need help." I said, swallowing hard. I couldn't cry
now.
"It's okay baby. I'm coming. Don't cry now, its okay." he said. I loved his
calming voice. It could make me better any day.
"Okay." I said weakly. I layed on the couch and waited. I was feeling a little
light-headed, but my stomach hurt less. My head was still pounding. I heard a car
door.
"Baby, are you okay?" he asked, running up to me.
"I don't know. I just wanted to walk to the rehab center--"
"You walked to the rehab center?!? Kersey! That's over a mile! It's freezing
out!" he cried. He helped me up and helped me put my jacket and mittens on. He
wrapped two blankets around me and helped me to the car. The way he was acting
scared me more than I already was. I hated seeing him so scared.
We arrived at the hospital and Graham walked me in. The nurses took me to
a cold emergency room and helped me onto the table. They took my temperature,
my pulse, and my blood pressure and asked me all kinds of questions. I saw
Graham pacing in the corner.
"M'am, we are going to put you on and IV right now. You will feel a small pain
in your arm... now." she said, stabbing the needle into my wrist. I winced in pain and
felt tears welling in the back of my eyes.
"Sir, you can wait in the waiting room." one of the older nurses said.
"No! He has to stay with me." I cried.
"I'm sorry m'am, he has to leave." she said, pushing Graham in the direction
of the waiting room. I was still feeling light-headed. They wrapped me in many
blankets and kept a constant eye on my temperature.
"Looks like she has pneumonia." one nurse said. "She's going downhill fast
people. Come on!" they yelled. I felt tears pouring down my cheeks, each tear
burning with heat. I fell asleep.
I woke up. I didn't know if I had actually fallen asleep or they knocked me out.
The room was dark, and I noticed Graham asleep in the chair in the corner. My hair
was a mess and my jacket had been tossed on the floor. I turned on a little desk
lamp that was on the table next to me.
I closed my eyes. I still had a headache, still had the IV in my hand and I had a
breathing bag lying next to me. I my hands were very cold and so were my
uncovered feet. I had been changed into a hospital gown and it felt like it was made
of tissue paper. I pulled the blanket up to my chin and closed my eyes and dozed off
again.
I woke up the next morning and Graham had the television on. He heard my
sheets rustle when I propped myself up and he came over to me.
"Good morning," he said kissing my head. "How'd you sleep?"
"Okay I guess. I had a huge headache. How'd you sleeping, Sleeping
Beauty?" I said smiling.
"That chair isn't too comfortable." he said.
"You didn't have to stay here."
"I did. I wanted to be here in case you needed something." he said. "Want
some breakfast?"
"I'm not too hungry. But I'll get something if you want to eat it." I said smiling
again. He ordered some bacon and eggs and I had a slice of bacon. My whole body
was sore and Graham said my face was still pale.
"Hey, Graham, hand me my jacket please." I said, pointing to the floor. "Want
to see a wedding dress I was looking at?" I asked.
"Yeah! Have you decided anything about the wedding?" he asked, looking at
the magazine page I had brought out from my jacket.
"Where do you want to have it?" I asked.
"I was thinking maybe the church my parents got married, if it's okay with you.
It would mean a lot to me." he said.
"Of course. I would love it." I said. "Mind if I take a nap? I'm really sore and
tired."
"Yeah, go ahead. I am going to run some errands quick." he said kissing my
forehead. "Bye, baby." Little did I know what surprise was headed my way.
I awoke about an hour or so later to the nurse, coming in for her what seemed
like hourly check-up. She took my blood pressure and my temperature and looked
at all the machines I was hooked up to. I waited and waited and finally she left. I got
up to use the bathroom and when I came back out Graham was sitting by the
window smiling at me. Again, something was up. He had a sneaky, sly grin on his
face.
"What did you do now?" I asked.
He went out into the lobby outside my room and came back in with a rose in
his mouth. I laughed as he put the rose next to me on my table and then went back
out.
"Are you ready?" he asked.
"I guess." I said, nervously. He emerged with a box from the bridal shop
where I saw my dress. I gasped and started to cry. He took the dress out of the box
and held it up for me to see. It was exactly how I pictured it; it had the lace sash and
the thin straps. I crawled out of my bed still crying and touched it. I couldn't believe he
had actually gone out and bought it.
"Want to try it on?" he asked, with a kind, gentle smile on his face. I nodded
and wiped the tears out of my eyes. I closed the door and stuck the sign on the
handle. Graham helped me zip the back of the dress and then walked me to the
mirror in the bathroom door. I looked at myself. For the first time in my entire life, I
thought I looked beautiful.
I turned and looked at Graham. "How do I look?" I managed to say between
tears.
"Beautiful as ever, Kersey." he reached up and pulled me close and kissed
me. I looked at myself again in the mirror and smiled.
I carefully took the dress off and put my hospital gown back on. I crawled into
bed and wiped the last few tears off my red cheeks.
"Thank you so much Graham." I said.
"Anything for you, Kersey." he said. "Listen. I talked to the doctor and he said
you would be released tomorrow." he said smiling.
"Really? Finally! I've been waiting to get out of this place." I said. "Graham,
look." I said, nodding towards the window. It was snowing.
"It's so beautiful outside." he said in an almost whisper. "I'd take you out if I
could, but you're already sick." he said. He came and sat on the end of the bed.
"Please don't worry about how I got that dress, okay? It's all been worked out.
It's okay." he said. He must have known I was wondering.
"But please, can you tell me?" I asked pleadingly. He sighed and closed his
eyes.
"Honey, I went to your parents and showed them the page you ripped out.
They love you so much Kersey, they bought the dress for you." he said. I was
shocked.
"Did you thank them for me?" I cried.
"Baby, calm down. Of course I did. They said they were willing to pay
everything if we needed them to." he said. He was getting choked up. He had never
met my parents before, but he had the courage to go to them and ask them for help.
"I cannot believe it." I said. I had been so cruel to them. I needed to call my
mom. "I have to call her."
I grabbed the telephone off the bedside table and quickly dialed my mom
and dad's house.
"Hello?" a voice said. It was my father.
"Dad? I-I want to thank you and mom. The dress. You didn't need to. I didn't
need that dress." I said, swallowing hard.
"Baby, it’s the least we could do. Do you mind if your mother talks on the
other line?" he asked.
"Put her on." I said. My mother picked up another phone.
"Kersey? Honey? What's wrong?" she said.
"Mom. Thank you so much for the dress! I didn't need it, really." I said. I could
hear my mother crying.
"Kersey, I know I haven't always been there for you, but I am now, okay? I
promise. I will always be there for you. You're... you're my baby girl." she said,
hanging up the phone, sobbing.
"Can we come see you? Your mother has wanted to come, but she can't
bear seeing you in the hospital. It makes her so overwhelmingly sad." he said. I
could hear him comforting my mother in the background.
"Yes, please come." I said. "Listen, daddy, I'll talk to you when you come,
okay?" I said. It was the first time I had called him daddy, in practically, my whole life.
"Bring mom." I said, smiling. We both hung up.
"Graham, I want to thank you again. I think you have brought me and my
parents closer now." I said, still smiling. I leaned over and kissed his forehead. "I
love you so much." I said.
My parents arrived a short while after. My mom ran up to me and kissed me
about a thousand times. I let her hug me and I smiled. I had missed this growing up. I
was always a rebel and never let my parents near me. Now I realized what I was
missing. My dad came after my mom and kissed the top of my head.
"How do you feel, baby girl?" my mom said.
"I'm pretty good. I guess I get out tomorrow." I said smiling.
"How wonderful!" my mom cried. They stayed for about and hour and we just
sat and talked. Before they left, Graham got up and came to me and whispered
something in my ear.
"I'm gonna go get some food. I'll be back in a little while." he kissed my
cheek, waved to my parents and left. My parents stayed a little longer and left
so I could rest.
I woke up the next day and Graham was fast asleep on the small pullout
loveseat. I stretched my arms over my head and looked at the clock. It was a little
past eight. I turned on the TV. The doctor came in and checked my stats again.
"You look wonderful. We will give you some pills that you have to take twice a
day and we will go from there." he said, nodding and smiling at me.
"Thank you, doctor." I said. Graham had awoken by the sound of the door
closing.
"Hey, what did he say?" he asked, coming to sit next to me on the bed.
"He said I'd have to take some pills, but otherwise I'm good." I said. "Should
we start packing up my stuff?" I asked, stepping out of bed and putting my slippers
on.
"Yeah, I'll get your stuff out of the bathroom, you grab your stuff out here." he
said. I collected my little personal items from my table and place them neatly in my
suitcase. I got dressed in some more presentable pajamas and Graham wheeled
me to the elevator. We got into the elevator with another doctor and we soon arrived
on the first main floor. Nurses, doctors and paramedics rushed past us with a
patient on a bed. I looked and tried to see who it was.
The limp body lying on the table resembled a girl… she had long beautiful
flowing hair. I looked through the small window on the door. The person on the table
was still semi-conscious, but hardly moving. She looked scared and she kept
looking back and forth between the doctors surrounding her.
I looked closely at her terrified face. It was Olivia’s mom. My second mom. I
burst through the doors of the ER room and ran to her bedside.
“What happened? What happened?!?!” I screamed to the doctors around
me.
“Car accident ma’am. Please, you need to leave. You can’t be here.” A lady
nurse told me.
“No no, I know her. Please, I need to be with her.” I said, trying to break loose
of the nurse’s grasp on my arms.
“Ma’am, now.” She said, and pushed me out the door. It was no use.
“Graham, GRAHAM!” I yelled. He had finished signing the papers at the desk
and was looking for me.
“Kersey, come on, where were you?” he asked. He grabbed my jacket off the
chair but before he could put it on me, I pushed away.
“Graham, no! Listen to me!” I cried. He looked at me like I had just slapped
him. We had never argued as far as I could remember and I had just yelled at him.
“Graham, I’m sorry. But please. Olivia’s mom just came in, she was in a car
accident.” I said. Graham took a breath and grabbed my jacket again.
“Kers, there’s nothing we can do right now. Let’s go home and we can come
back later and check on her.” He said. He held out my jacket and I reluctantly put it
on. I sat back down in the wheel chair and started wringing my hands. My feet were
taping on the footrests of the wheel chair, my fingers tapping on the armrests.
“Kersey, it will be okay.” Graham said once we got to the car. He tossed my
stuff into the back of the car and helped me into the front seat. “Besides, I want to
show you what I did with the apartment.” He said, smiling.
I looked at him with a puzzled expression. What had he done?
We got home and he opened the car door for me and held out his hand.
“Why thank you!” I said, smiling. He led me inside but told me to cover my
eyes.

[ILoveMyAbbyGirl]

“Almost there…” he said as we walked up the front steps. “Ok, open!” he said. I
slowly opened my eyes, afraid of what I would see.
“Surprise!!” people yelled. Graham had brought everyone together as a
welcome home party and I noticed he also had all the boxes unpacked from our
move. The apartment was beautiful. He had repainted some of the rooms, and
painted the living room red, my favorite color.
“One more thing.” He said and went off to another room. One by one people
came up to talk to me. First were my parents.
“Oh welcome home, baby!” they both screamed, showering me with hugs
and kisses. I hugged them back and then they backed off to let other people
through.
“How are you feeling?” someone yelled from the back of the crowd. I had no
idea who it was.
“I’m great, thanks. But excuse me, I have a call I need to make.” I said and cut
through the crowd to the kitchen.
Once inside the safety of the kitchen, I began dialing the hospital’s telephone
number. The secretary picked up.
“Hello, hospital, how can I help you?” she asked.
“I was wondering how Patricia Ross was doing.” I asked, tapping my
fingernails on the counter.
“Please hold.” The secretary said, and I heard elevator music. I rolled my
eyes and waited. The anxiety was killing me.
I looked around the freshly painted kitchen, with all of our old appliances. My
eyes drifted over to the butcher block containing all the knives. I closed my eyes and
took a deep breath. I reopened them and stared at the knives again. Just once, I
thought. No one will ever know. Just this once. There was an overpowering voice
inside my head demanding me to do it. I put the phone down quietly, and moved
towards the opposite counter. I was in a sort of trance, not realizing what I was doing
until someone said my name.
“Kers?” the voice asked. My eyes remained focused on the knives. “Kersey,
damnit, what are you doing?” the voice yelled. It was Graham. I turned my head
towards him.
“Kersey. You have a knife in your hand. What the hell do you think you are
doing?” he asked, actually yelling at me. “Put it down. Now.” He demanded. The
force inside me wouldn’t let go of the knife. My chin was trembling because Graham
was so angry. Finally I got to my senses and dropped it.
“Kersey, I thought you were over this. What were you doing?” he slammed the
off the hook phone back onto the receiver. “Please tell me you weren’t going to cut
yourself. Please.” He said. I turned to face him again.
“I… I don’t know Graham. The whole thing with Olivia’s mom… I… I’m so
confused.” I said. I put my elbows on the counter and rubbed my eyes. “I’m sorry, it
won’t happen again.” I said, sincerely.
“Promise? Kersey, even though I did it too, it still scares me seeing you do it,
the one I love. You’re what I live for and to see you do it, it makes me hurt. I’ve
stopped, and you need to too.” He said. He came over to me and took my hands in
his. “Now, that present is waiting.” He said, leading me out of the kitchen.
We went out into the living room where everyone was sitting.
“I’ll be right back guys.” Graham said to everyone and then he told me to sit
on the floor and wait for a second. I sat down and tried to think of what he could have
gotten me.
“Close your eyes!” he yelled from the other room. I looked around at the other
people around me and slowly closed my eyes. I heard footsteps coming back from
the hall, indicating Graham was coming back. The steps stopped in front of me, then
I felt something on my face.
“Gr..Graham? What the…” I said, reaching my hands up to touch whatever
was in my face. I heard the people laughing at me from behind.
“Haha.” I said sarcastically to them. I opened my eyes. I saw the most
beautiful thing I had ever seen. It was small, and maybe even smaller than the palm
of your hand. I gasped.
Graham was holding a small puppy. It was a teacup Pomeranian; I had had
one when I was little.
“Thank your parents, not me.” He said, smiling. He knew just what to do to
make me happy. “Her name’s Izzy. Isabella, but Izzy for short. She’s from the lady
down the street. What’s her name? Dayna. She’s a great person. She’s already
given Iz all her shots and she is going to pay for her spaying because it was a puppy
from her litter.” Graham got up from the kneeling position on the ground and put Izzy
down on the floor. She had a huge red ribbon tied around her neck.
“We had a little trouble with the bow, but we compromised.” Graham said,
laughing.
“Graham! She is so cute! Thank you guys!” I said. I now knew this dog had
the answers to everything. She kept me going.
“Let’s eat!” Graham said to everyone, and they began filing towards the
kitchen and dining room.
“Like her?” Graham asked after everyone had gone to the kitchen.
“Like her? LIKE HER? Graham, I love this dog!” I said, getting up and
hugging him. “Thank you so much.” I said.
I tucked Izzy under my arm and we went into the kitchen together. Then the
phone rang.
“I’ll get it.” I said, and grabbed the phone.
“Hello?” I asked.
“Is this Kersey?” the person asked.
“Speaking.” I replied, wondering whom it could be.
“This is the nurse at the hospital. You called about 15 minutes ago and we
lost our connection.”
“Yes, yes, we had… family trouble.” I said. It was kind of the truth.
“The information on Mrs. Ross is here. She is in a coma and has some pretty
bad cuts. She won’t be as pretty as she was a few days ago. She is in critical
condition, but she is stable, and on her way to what we hope is a fast and easy
recovery.” She said. “Thank you for calling,” and hung up.
I put the phone down. The information was enough to keep me satisfied for a
while.
Throughout the night, Izzy was tucked safely under my arm. Everyone left at
their own pace, and by ten, everyone was gone.
“Did you have fun?” Graham asked.
“Definitely. Thank you very much.” I said, smiling.
“About the knife incident, Kersey, what got into you?” he asked, sitting on the
couch. I didn’t say anything; only pet Izzy’s brown ears.
“Talk to me.” He pleaded. “I just want to help.”
“I don’t know! There’s just so much going on with Olivia’s mom. I’m scared,
confused, I just don’t know anymore.” I said, sitting next to him. I rested my head on
his arm.
“Well cutting solves nothing. After all my years of doing it, I finally realized it
wasn’t worth it.” He said, rubbing my shoulder.
“Maybe I need it Graham. It was my security blanket all those years back at
home.”
“Need it? You still want to cut?” he asked, obviously shocked.
“It’s possible.” I said.
“You can’t. I won’t let you.” He said, getting up. He stood over me; I had fallen
back onto the couch once he had gotten up. Izzy was prancing around on my chest.
“Graham, you don’t understand.” I replied getting up. Izzy jumped off the
couch and followed me into the bedroom. No one understood. But that’s where Izzy
came in.
I sat down on the bed and closed my eyes. Graham didn’t understand that it
was hard for me to quit. Yes, I hadn’t done it in… months probably. But that didn’t
come with ideas of cutting, cravings, the whole works. Izzy was bouncing around on
the floor trying to get onto the bed.
“Come on, Iz. Show the world height doesn’t matter.” I said, laughing. I swept
her off the floor and put her on the bed beside me.

[ILoveMyAbbyGirl]

“So Izzy. Do you at least understand where I’m coming from with this?” I asked. She
was too busy attacking lumps in the bedspread. I smiled.
“Well, we can pretend you do.” I said. I looked at my wrists. My wrists were
normal color, but the scars were definitely there. I looked around the room.
Searching for my weapon.
I knew Graham kept a pocketknife in one of his jackets. I looked in the closet,
through all of his pockets. I found nothing. I decided to sneak off to the bathroom to
see what I could find there.
I opened the bedroom door and heard the television. I tiptoed around the
corner and into the small but tidy bathroom. I rummaged through the drawers
knowing there were some razors around somewhere. Izzy was sniffing around the
room, attacking the strings at the end of the carpet.
“I’m glad at least you’re happy. Iz.” I said, continuing to look through the
drawers.
Finally I found a razor. I slipped it off of the plastic handle and looked at it.
This was like a diamond to a rich girl. I put the toilet cover down and sat down. My
hands were shaking with excitement. I hadn’t done it for so long, would I still feel the
way I used to? I looked down for Izzy. She was still playing with the rug.
I picked up the razor again and looked at it. I placed my wrist on the cool
porcelain of the sink. My hands started to sweat and the razor fell out of my hand. I
closed my eyes and took a deep breath and picked it up again. A little voice in my
head assured me I could do this.
I regripped the small razor in my hand. I placed it on my wrist carefully. Then
Izzy barked. My heart started pounding. Had she heard Graham coming or
something?
I took a glance over at her. She was just looking at me; like she was telling
me whatever I was doing was bad. I closed my eyes.
“Izzy please. I can’t play right now.” I said. I turned back to my wrists. I
pressed the razor harder on my skin. Izzy barked again, and I jumped, gashing my
arm harder and deeper than I had expected.
“Izzy! Damnit!” I yelled, and then covered my mouth.
“Kersey? Everything okay?” Graham asked from outside the door.
“Yes, she just… uh… nipped at my toes. It’s okay.” I said, rushing around the
bathroom, grabbing some toilet paper to cover my cut. Izzy walked over to the
bathroom door and sat down. She wouldn’t even look at me.
I started to pace around the bathroom. I was thinking about what Graham
would say when he found out. I started feeling lightheaded. I smiled. Just the effect I
was waiting for.
I put my hand on the sink but it slipped out from underneath me. I fell,
grabbing the shower curtain on my way down. Izzy jumped, and started to bark. I
remember falling into the bathtub, but I think I hit my head.
I woke up in the bedroom underneath the covers. I opened my eyes and took
the towel off my head. I had a massive headache. I closed my eyes again and when I
opened them, Graham was sitting on the end of the bed. I pulled my hand out from
under the covers and looked at my wrist. It was wrapped in an ace bandage.
Graham was just sitting on the end of the bed, staring off into space. I slipped
my hand back under the covers. Graham heard to sheets rustle. He looked at me,
but didn’t say anything. He just shook his head and got up. He went over to the
window and put his hands on the ledge.
“What happened?” I asked. I was pretty sure I knew what happened. I was
dizzy enough that I fell and must have knocked myself out.
“What happened?? Kersey, you cut yourself. And it wasn’t an accident. You
cut yourself, blood was everywhere, even the blood from your head. You fell into the
bathtub. That’s how you cut your head. You promised me you wouldn’t do this again
Kersey.” He said. Now it was my turn to be silent. I said nothing. I touched my head. I
hadn’t even realized I had cut my head.
“I’m sorry.” I said without even realizing it. “It’s a bad habit you can’t break.
You know, you went through it too, Graham. Bear with me. I’m trying.” I said, tears
welling up in the back of my eyes.
“I know Kersey. I’m sorry, but you can’t do shit like that anymore. You scared
me to death. I heard you fall and when I saw you covered in blood in the bathroom,
that’s not something you see and pass over. I was worried.” He yelled.
He grabbed his car keys off the dresser beside me.
“I just need to… to think.” He said, and left.
“Graham, what?!” I cried out. My head shot with pain and I quickly layed back
down. He was leaving me. He really was. I started to cry. The tears burned my
cheeks, and my head pounded. What would I do without him?
I must have cried myself to sleep, because Izzy woke me up needing to go
outside. I tossed the blanket aside, trying to recall what had happened. I sat there for
a minute on the edge of the bed trying to think. All I could remember was that
Graham was gone. I rubbed my red puffy eyes and continued to the door to let Izzy
out.
Izzy and I walked to the kitchen together. I made myself a cup of coffee and
proceeded to the door.
Izzy ran out and I sat on the steps. I thought about what would happen if
Graham came back. I guess you could call this our first official fight. I knew what
needed to happen.
I took the wrapping off my wrist. It was swollen and purple, just like every
other cut. I carefully massaged it, trying to make it less purple. I had to stop myself
from doing this. If it was tearing Graham and I apart, I needed to stop.
“Come on Izzy, let’s go.” I called out to the darkness. Nothing.
“Izzy, I’m not doing this, let’s go in.” I said. Still nothing. I stepped off the porch
onto the cool dewey grass. I called her name again, still nothing. I walked around the
yard, barefoot, searching for Izzy. I searched all around the house but found nothing. I
started to cry again, realizing I had just lost the two things that actually mattered to
me in life. Graham and Izzy.
I ran back into the house in tears. But then I stopped. I needed to get back
under control. I took a deep breath and went over my options. I could call Graham’s
parents and see if he was there, I could call my parents, but what would they do? I
sat on the couch and put my head in my hands. I had been too involved in my own
problems to worry about my own dog.
I went into the kitchen to get another cup of coffee. I sat at the kitchen table
and started tapping my fingers on the table. Then I heard a weird noise. It scared me
so I got up slowly. I tiptoed out of the kitchen and into the hallway. The noise was
coming from my bedroom and it sounded Iike someone trying to get in the house. I
was afraid; my hands were shaking and I was sweating. I peered into my room and
gasped.
There she was; perfectly fine, happy and cheerful, pulling on a sock that was
sticking out of my closet. It was stuck in a way that when she pulled on it, it pulled the
door forward, making a banging noise. She must have snuck in when I was going
over all my problems.
I just shook my head and sat on the bed. I was feeling lightheaded from both
cuts.
“You scared me to death, Iz. You little brat!” I joked with her. She stopped
chewing, looked up at me and cocked her head. You just had to laugh at her.
I pulled her up on the bed with me and turned out the light. She crawled under
the blanket with me and we went to sleep.
I woke up the next morning and found a note on the bedside table. It was from
Graham. I opened it and read it outloud.
“I came home earlier and you were sleeping. I had to think a lot of things over.
I thought about you and I, and how we used to be.” I stopped reading. Used to be?
This wasn’t sounding good. I read on.
“I remember when we first met, when you ignored me at first. Then we got
together, and we were what everyone talked about for weeks. All this stuff was
running through my mind as I drove. I thought about the day I proposed to you, the
day you came home from the hospital.” I turned the page over.
“I love you and always will. I guess I’ve just been overwhelmed by the
incidents we’ve had with cutting. I’ve stopped and you need to too. I don’t want you
hurt more than you are. Please. I’m staying at my parents for a while. Please call me
soon. Love, Graham.”
I put the note down. He had read my mind. I was stopping. I had stopped
cutting yesterday the moment I fell.
I called him right away.
“Graham?” I asked quietly.
“Oh. Hi Kersey.” he said just as quiet.
“How are you? I’ve missed you.”
“I’ve been okay. Worried about you, but I’m okay. How are you? Your head?”
he asked.
“Fine, but a little sore.” Finally I got up the courage and told him how I felt.
“Graham, I really miss you. I need you here with me. I have stopped cutting. I
promise. I swear this time, I know I blew my last chance, but I promise. I miss you. I
need you here with me.” I said. I swallowed hard. This was not the time for crying.
Graham didn’t say anything for a few seconds.
“Well, I’m proud, Kersey. Do you still love me?” he asked, jokingly.
“Forever and always.” I said. And I really meant it.
Graham and I continued talking for a while about what all had happened in
the twenty-four hours he’d been gone. He told me when we hung up that he was
coming back home. I sat back on my bed and took a deep breath. I was happy he
was coming home.
I went and looked at my wedding dress in the closet. We had some plans for
what was happening; we would get married at the church where his parents were
married and have the reception at the local ballroom a few miles away.
Graham finally got home about an hour later. I ran up and hugged and kissed
him at the door. He took his hands in mine and he looked at me. He just had this
look in his eyes; I couldn’t really describe it, it was just this look that I knew things
would be okay from now on.
The days passed and our love only grew stronger. I think the “fight” was good
for us, it gave us a sense of what we meant to each other. Needless to say, we
we’re like the “old Kersey and Graham”.
The days dwindled down to our wedding. It was almost 3 weeks until the big
day. But I had this really weird feeling that I needed to check something. There was
a huge knot growing in my stomach because of it.
The next day I came up to Graham while he was at the kitchen table. My
hands were shaking, my forehead sweating. I didn’t know if he would be ready to
hear what I said. I sat down at the table across from him. I folded my hands and took
a deep breath. I opened my eyes again and looked over at him. He was staring at
me.
“What is the matter with you?” he asked me.
“I-I... I...” I stuttered. I closed my eyes again and regained my composure.
“Graham... we... I...” I stuttered again. I felt a lump in my throat.
“Kersey, please, what’s wrong?” he asked again, reaching across the table
and holding my hands in his.
I pulled something out from pocket of my jeans. It was a small box, about the
size of a necklace box or something. I slowly placed it on the table; my hand still
shaking, making the box make a rattling noise on the table. Graham didn’t reach for
it right away.
“What is this?” he asked, finally picking it up. I opened my mouth and tried to
say something, but nothing came out. He released my other hand to open the box. I
put my hands to my face and closed my eyes. I swallowed hard, debating whether I
was happy, scared, sad, afraid, whatever.
I peered through my fingers to see his emotions and reactions. He opened
the box and looked inside. Then he set the box down.
“This... what?” he asked, puzzled.
“Baby. That means I’m having a baby, Graham.” I managed to say. I looked at
him again. He had this mixed expression; happiness and disbelief. He sat there for
a few minutes and just stared at the box. Finally he looked up at me with a smile on
his face.
“Baby.” he said, still smiling. “Wow.” he whispered. I smiled back at him with
that same smile he gave me a few nights ago; the smile that told him it was okay.
We decided to make the announcement at our wedding reception. I needed
to go to the rehab center to tell everyone. Graham and I went the next day.
We walked in and right away noticed a total difference in the place. First off, I
didn’t see Shannon, Julie, or anyone I knew. There were plain old nurses in white
jackets. I looked at Graham.
“Excuse me, can I please see Eliza Brown?” I asked.
“Room 124.” the white-coated nurse replied in a monotone voice. Graham
and I showed ourselves the way.
“Everything is so... white.” he said, looking around. He had my hand wrapped
in his the whole walk to Eliza’s room. The walls had been painted white over their
original color of pale blue.

[ILoveMyAbbyGirl]

“I don’t like it at all. I wonder what happened to everyone.” I asked, confused. I
knocked on Eliza’s door.
“Who is it?” she yelled from inside. I opened the door.
“Kersey!!” she screamed-literally screamed-in my ear. “Oh my gosh! I’m so
glad to see you!” she cried.
“Hey kiddo!” I said hugging her.
“Where have you two been?” she said winking.
“Haha... well... I have a surprise for you.” I said, wringing my hands. Why was I
so nervous? Eliza smiled.
“What?” she asked, hopping up and down. She was like a little sister waiting
for candy.
“Graham and I... we’re... having a baby.” I said, quietly, looking at my feet.
Eliza’s mouth dropped.
“Baby?” she asked. She dropped her mouth open even further.
“Yeah. Baby.” I said. She hugged us both once more and told us to sit on her
bed.
“So what happened to this place?” Graham asked.
“We don’t know... we think it was because they weren’t bringing in enough
money. They got new owners... it’s been really weird lately.” she said.
“Yeah... too much white.” Graham said, laughing. We talked on and on for
almost 3 hours when the nurses knocked on the door.
“Excuse me children, visiting hours are over.” she said, and closed the door
again.
“Visiting hours?” I cried. “That’s the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard.” I
exclaimed. Eliza nodded. She got up and hugged Graham and I again and she
kissed my belly.
“Come back soon. Please.” she pleaded.
“I’ll be back very soon. Do you think they will let you come to the wedding?” I
asked.
“How much longer?” Eliza asked.
“Three weeks from tomorrow.”
“I’ll... be out by then!” she stated, smiling.
“Aww! That’s great Eliza!” I said, smiling for her. Then the nurse knocked
again.
“Now please.” she said and waited for us to leave.
“See you later, Eliza.” Graham and I said in unison. We waved and left.
The wedding was drawing nearer. It was now a week and a half until the
wedding. Eliza had called the day before, telling us she was home, still living with
her parents, but home. We were both very excited for her.
Graham had already started planning for the baby. He was figuring finances
and even pointing out baby stuff we would need in stores.
It was finally the day of the wedding. I had never been more nervous in my life.
I also think part of me was nervous about telling everyone about the baby. I was
getting my hair done with Eliza, who I wanted to be my bride’s maid. Eliza also
suggested I have a floral arrangement in honor of Olivia. It brought me to tears.
There was definately going to be a memorial.
Eliza called and ordered a floral arragement for the memorial. She wouldn’t
tell me what type of flowers were in it, but I did hear roses.
Finally came the time to slip into my dress. My hair was gorgeous, and I had
a special diamond tiara that my mother bought me especially for the day I would get
married.
I stepped into the dress with the help of my mother. She zipped up the back
and fluffed the bottom. I turned around and face the mirrors. The memories came
flashing back of when I had first seen this dress, then the day Graham gave it to me.
“You look so beautiful, sweetie.” my mom said, putting her hand over her
mouth. She was crying. I hugged her.
“It’s okay mom, don’t cry.” I said in a calm and caring voice. She backed off
and looked at me again.
“My little girl is getting married.” she said and a smile appeared on her face.
For the first time I was someone’s special little girl. I smiled back and we headed to
the limo. Now we were off to the church.
I watched the scenery roll by through the window in the limo. I remembered
being a little girl over at Olivia’s; playing house and dress up and endless summer
sleep overs. I remembered our first year at junior high school. We were terrified, and
we had no classes together. Somehow we both got through it alive. Then came high
school. Even more scary. We were constantly together on our off time.
We were coming up on her house now. I saw something on her front porch.
first the porch swing that we sat on every night. Then I saw a person... we came
closer and I realized it was a person in a wheel chair, Olivia’s mom.
“Stop the car!” I cried, flinging the door open. I picked up the ends of my
dress and ran up the tattered, worn, wooden porch steps we had played tag on so
many times. This was the home free zone.
Olivia’s mom looked up and me. I stopped on the porch in front of her and
smiled. She looked me over, up and down, looking at my dress.
“Marriage?” she asked quietly.
“Yeah, I’m getting married.” I said, smiling. I bent down and hugged her
gently.
“So fast..” she whispered under her breath. She closed her eyes and bit her
bottom lip.
“I would love for you to come.” I said, still holding my dress in my hands. “I
need you there.”
She just looked at me and smiled again. I yelled for my mom and she helped
Olivia’s mom out of the wheelchair and into the limo. The driver packed her chair in
the back. Olivia’s mom held my hand the whole way there. She kept looking at me,
and once, before we got there, I heard her whisper, “My little girl.”
Finally we arrived at the chruch. While I paced around in the lobby, my mom
took Olivia’s mom to her seat in the front of the church. Eliza came in next, looking
so beautiful. We saw each other and hugged.
“You look wonderful.” Eliza practically whispered. She looked me over the
same way Olivia’s mom had.
“Kersey? Ready?” my dad asked.
“Yep. Go Eliza!” I said. She grabbed Graham’s friend Noah’s arm and within
seconds they were preceeding down the aisle.
Everything was exactly how I dreamed it would be. I had a major case of
nervousness. My stomach fluttered with butterflies as I stood next to my father, hand
in hand, ready to walk down the aisle.
The doors reopened. Now it was my turn to take the long walk down the aisle.
We marched quietly and slowly, as the wedding song was played. I looked up
and saw Graham at the altar. Everything about him was perfect. He was wearing a
beautiful black tuxedo. He was almost angelic.
We reached the end of the altar and my dad kissed the top of my head. I
remember him doing it that way when I was a kid. I walked up to Graham at the altar.
He had tears in the corners of his eyes.
“You look so beautiful.” he whispered.
“You too.” I whispered back. The priest recited the vows and Graham and I
repeated after him. The whole time, Graham just kept smiling at me.
“I now give you...” the priest began.
“Mr. and Mrs. Graham Koplin.” The church erupted with applause. Graham
and I kissed and made our way through the swarming crowd of people to the
awaiting limo outside.
We practically fell into the limo. People behind us were cheering, screaming
and some were even crying.
“See you there!” Graham yelled through the roof of the limo. I had never seen
him so happy. He crawled back through the roof window and sat down. He looked at
me.
“You are... so... beautiful.” he said quietly. He took my hand in his and gave it
a light squeeze.
“I was speechless when I saw you coming down the aisle. You looked like an
angel.” he said. He laughed and rubbed his teary eyes.
“You did too.” I said, laughing and giving him a hug.
“I’m so happy.” he said. He smiled and grabbed my hand and held it in his
the whole way to the ballroom. That’s right where I wanted to stay; locked in his arms
forever.
“Ready to tell everyone the news?” he asked. I gave him a pained look.
“What’s the matter? Aren’t you happy?” he asked me, looking concerned.
“I’m just wondering if it’s too soon, Graham. I am twenty. Twenty!” I cried. “We
have our whole lives ahead of us. What are we going to be able to do with a baby
around?”
“It’s called a babysitter. It will be okay, Kersey. You will love this baby and so
will I.” Graham said, grabbing my hand again.
“I hope no ones mad.” I said, looking out the window, biting my lip.
“They won’t. And if they are, we can do it ourselves.” he said, confidently. I
closed my eyes. Do it ourselves. That seemed like a lot of work. Graham eased me
back and I layed on his chest the whole way to the reception. He kissed my
forehead and told me it would be alright. Again, I felt that emotion wash away all my
fears of becoming a first time mom. I knew he was right.
When we arrived, everyone else was already there. We walked in and the
crowd stood and applauded.
“Kersey and Graham Koplin!!” The man on stage yelled. This only made the
crowd cheer louder. Graham and I walked through the opening in the group of
people to the middle of the dancefloor. Graham walked up to the announcer on the
stage and took the microphone.
“Well guys, I believe we have an announcement to make. Will my mom and
dad come up here along with Kersey’s parents?” he asked, looking around the
room for them. Within seconds, both pairs emerged from the crowd. They walked up
and stood in front of us, completely puzzled. Graham put his arm around his parents
shoulders and my mother held my hand. She mouthed something to me, but I wasn’t
paying attention.
“Well. We have a very important announcement to make to everyone in this
room, but especially our parents.” Graham said. “Ladies and gentlemen, please,
allow me to introduce, Grandma and Grandpa Koplin and Grandma and Grandpa
Yearling.” he said, unsteadily.
It took a few seconds for it to sink in. I heard a few gasps, then my mom
looked at me.
“A baby?” she asked. The tone of her voice sounded disgusted.
“Congratulations!” My dad yelled, hugging me. I focused my eyes back on my
mom. She had turned away and was walking back to her table. My dad looked and
me and hugged me again.
“Don’t worry about your mother.” he said, then walked after her.
Graham’s parents on the other hand, were ecstatic. Graham’s mom was
crying, and his dad was close to tears too.
“A grandbaby!” his mom cried, jumping up and down. Graham was pure
smiles. Graham looked over at me and must have seen the saddened expression
on my face. He gave the mic back and came over to me.
“What’d they say?” he asked, putting his hand on my arm. I said it plain and
simple.
“My mom doesn’t want a baby.” I wasn’t going to let this ruin my wedding day.
“Ready to dance?” I asked. Graham must have read my mind because he asked no
further questions.
I avoided my mother the whole night. We got no pictures taken with each
other. The few times she did approach me, I either walked away or got into a crowd
where she couldn’t reach me. Everyone else that night congratulated me.
Graham and I danced our slow dance together. It was our song, called “In
These Arms”. It was so romantic, and I admit it, I cried. Graham and I danced, so
perfectly, my head against his chest, and over and over again he told me how much
he loved me. And that’s all that mattered.
The night passed very quickly. Before we knew it, it was two in the morning
and people were leaving. Graham and I sat down on some fold up chairs against the
wall.
“How was it?” Graham asked.
“Wonderful.” I said smiling.
“No. Really tell me how you feel about your mom’s baby comment Kersey. I
know you wouldn’t take it that easily.” he said propping his elbows on his knees,
ready to listen.
“I don’t know. If she can’t accept it, then she can do whatever she wants.” I
said to him. “I don’t care about her.”
Graham just sat there, maybe pondering what I had just said. He reached
over and kissed me and helped me up.
We got in the limo and people were still honking at us. My dad waved at me
through the window of his car. I waved back and blew him a kiss. My mother didn’t
even look at me.
We drove home and I collapsed onto the bed. I put my hand on my stomach
that was now one month into being the home of my baby. Graham took off his tux
and changed into some sweatpants. He came back out without a shirt on and I had
to laugh. I was overly tired and easily amused. He came and layed next to me. He
also reached over and put his hand on my stomach.
“I love you, Kersey.” he said, kissing my hand. I just smiled. I kicked my shoes
off, not even moving. I rolled over and stood up and asked Graham to unzip the back
of my dress so I could change into som more comfortabele clothes. He stood up
and unzipped me then kissed my neck. I laughed because it tickled, but then went to
get changed. I came back and he was already in bed.
I crawled into bed and he put his arm around my waist.
“Please don’t worry about your mom.” he said, sincerely. I put my head on his
shoulder.
“I’m not, I’m just surprised that she said that to me.” I said, frowning. He
kissed my bare shoulder again.
“Don’t worry. She’ll understand.” he said. He kissed me on the cheek and
went to bed.
I woke up before Graham that day and decided to make him breakfast. We
were leaving for our honeymoon tomorrow. We were going to my dream vacation
spot-- Cancun, Mexico. It was going to be a cruise, then we would go to Belize,
Central America for a week and then back to Cancun for a week. It was going to be
wonderful, and even more, Graham’s parents had paid for over half of it as a
wedding gift.
Graham stumbled out of bed a few minutes into the cooking of breakfast. He
still had no shirt on.
“Tired?” I asked, sarcasticly.
“Nope.” He said, and plopped down in the kitchen chair and rubbed his eyes.
“My mom called.” I said casually. He almost jumped out of his chair.
“What’d she say?”
“I don’t know. I didn’t answer it.” I said, stirring the pancake mix. I heard him
sigh.
“Kersey, give her a chance. Who knows, maybe she was calling to
apologize.” he said. He came up behind me.
“I don’t want to mess with her right now. I’ll wait until after the honeymoon.” I
continued stirring the mix. Graham put his arms around my waist and watched.
I finished my pancakes and put them on the table. Graham and I talked about
our trip, what we would do, and how much fun it was going to be. He offered to clean
up the kitchen so I could shower.
I kissed him and went into the bedroom. I pulled Izzy out of the closet again
and got into the shower. There were razors on the shelf in the bathroom. I looked at
them for almost three minutes before realizing that I was staring at them.
I shook my head. Never again, I had promised that to myself. I took a razor
anyway.
I got into the shower and turned on the water. I was startled by the sheer
coldness of the water at first, and I jumped, dropping the razor. I watched it swim a
path down to the drain and swirl around, to large to fit through. I picked it up again
and put it on the edge of the tub. I turned the water to normal temperature and put my
face under the streams.
I looked back down at the razor. I picked it up off the cool tile and held it. I
closed my eyes. Just once, I thought. He won’t ever know. I’ll tell him it was an
accident, I said. I took the plastic cover off the razor and dropped it into the water
forming in the bottom of the tub. It, like the razor, floated to the drain and spun like
mad.
I threw the razor down.
“Damnit!” I yelled. The razor had hit my leg. A tiny stream of blood traveled
down my leg and hit the water, washing away all my thoughts about cutting.

[ILoveMyAbbyGirl]

Graham burst through the door.
“What’s wrong?” he yelled.
“I... I...” I stuttered. I closed my eyes and clenched my fists. He opened the
shower curtain and looked at my leg, then to the razor, still swirling like mad over by
the drain.
“What, did you DO!” he yelled to me.
“Graham, I didn’t, I didn’t!” I cried. I was crying real tears now, I had been
caught. Graham looked at me with this look in his eyes of pure anger.
“Graham... I promise... it was an accident. I dropped it, I swear.” I said, fully
aware that I was still crying. He looked at me again, and I looked away. I
concentrated on the swirling razor, still stuck in the hurricane by the drain. I bit my
bottom lip and avoided his glance.
After almost a minute of silence, I got out, pushed Graham out of the way and
grabbed a towel and left. I went into the bedroom and dropped the towel, putting on
my bathrobe. I sat on the floor against the wall and pulled my knees up to my chest. I
heard footsteps coming into the bedroom. I closed my eyes and turned my head
towards the closet door.
“Kersey?” his voice echoed throughout the room. It was his soft, seducing
voice that made me melt. I said nothing.
“Kersey, I’m sorry.” he said, locating me and sitting on the floor next to me.
Any kind words might send me to tears again.
He wrapped his arm gently around my waist again. He pulled me close to
him and he kissed my head.
“I’m so sorry, baby.” he said. I still said nothing. He pulled up the end of my
robe and looked at my cut. I let him.
“Are you okay?” he asked, touching the cut with his fingers. I winced in pain.
“I’ll go get something for it.” he said, hoisting himself back up and going back
to the bathroom. I wiped the tears off my face and pulled the hem back down on my
robe. Graham came back with a bandaid and a cloth. I hid my face and smiled. He
was so cute.
He put the bandaid on and kissed me again.
“Still love me?” he asked.
“Maybe.” I said, unable to hide my smile anymore. He pulled me up and gave
me a hug.
We woke up at 5:00 to get on the plane to Cancun. Our bags were already
packed and Izzy was staying with my brother at his apartment. A limo picked us up
from our apartment and drove us to the airport. I couldn’t believe this was
happening.
When we finally reached the airport, it started pouring. They announced over
the speaker that all flights were canceled until further notice. Graham closed his
eyes and swore under his breath.
“It’s okay, babe. We can wait.” I said, slouching back into my chair. This was
going to be a long day. Graham put his hand on my knee and I looked outside into
the dark, raining sky. A lightning bolt flashed close by and I winced, waiting for the
loud crack. Finally it came, rattling the huge windows of the airport lobby. Graham
leaned over and kissed my cheek.
“What was that for?” I asked. He slid his arm between my back and the chair
and slid me closer to him.
“I’m sorry we’re being held back like this.” he said. He rubbed my stomach.
“It’s okay.” I said, putting my hand on his. He kissed me again and leaned in
against him. He wrapped his arms around me and I closed my eyes.
I must have fallen asleep because I woke up and it had stopped raining but
Graham still held me in his arms.
“Good morning, beautiful.” he said, kissing the top of my head.
“What? How long has it been?” I asked, sitting up.
“About an hour or two.” he said.
“Why didn’t you wake me?” I cried.
“They didn’t announce--” he began. Someone came on over the loudspeaker
and announced all planes were being boarded.
“Well there we go.” he said, smiling. “Let’s fly.”
We grabbed our luggage and proceeded to the entrance of the plane. I
picked the window seat and sat down.
“Ready?” I asked, buckling my seat belt. He just looked at me with a pained
expression on his face.
“What’s wrong?” I asked.
“I hate flying.” he confessed. My mouth dropped.
“I never knew...” I said. “But it’s okay. We will make it.” I said, brushing the
hair out of his face. He grabbed my hand and squeezed it tight.