Our PT joke thread

[Freedom]

While walking down the street one day a US senator is tragically hit by a
truck and dies.

His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

"Welcome to heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there
is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so
we're not sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in," says the man.

"Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have
you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose
where to spend eternity."

"Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven," says the senator.

"I'm sorry, but we have our rules."

And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down,
down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle
of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front
of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.

Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, Shake
his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while
getting Rich at the expense of the people.

They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and
champagne.

Also present is the devil, who rea lly is a very friendly guy who has a good
time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time
that before he realizes it, it is time to go.

Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises...

The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter
is waiting for him.

"Now it's time to visit heaven."

So, 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented souls moving
from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a
good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St.
Peter returns.

"Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose
your eternity."

The senator reflects for a minute, then he answers: "Well, I would Never
have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I
think I would be better off in hell."

So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to
hell.

Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land
covered with waste and garbage.

He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting
it in black bags as more trash falls from above.

The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder. "I don't
understand," stammers the senator. "Yesterday I was here and
there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank
champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a
wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?"

The devil looks at him, smiles and says, "Yesterday we were campaigning.
Today you voted."

[Catty1]

A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be
confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.
"Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple of
minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in
high-powered vacuum cleaners." "Go away," said the old lady. "I haven't
got any money, I'm broke!" As she proceeded to close the door, the young
man wedged his foot in the door and pushed wide open. "Don't be too
hasty," he said. "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration."
And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure on to her hallway
carpet.

"If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse
manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder. The
old lady stepped back and said, "Well I hope you've got a damned good
appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning.

What part of broke do you not understand?

[cassiesmom]

What did the cave man give his wife for Valentine's Day?

Ughs and kisses.

[lady_zana]

What's black, lays on the water, and yells "KNICKERS!"?

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CRUDE OIL!!

[beeniesmom]

Hope this one isn't too risque'...

A woman in her forties went to a plastic surgeon for a facelift.

The surgeon told her about a new procedure called "The Knob," where a small knob is placed at the top of the woman's head and can be turned to tighten up her skin and produce the affect of a brand new face-lift.

Of course, the woman wanted "The Knob."

Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the knob, and the effects were wonderful, the woman remained young looking and vibrant.

After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two problems. "All these years, everything has been working just fine. I've had to turn the knob many times and I've always loved the results. But now I've developed two annoying problems:

First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the knob won't get rid of them."

The doctor looked at her closely and said,"Those aren't bags, those are your breasts."

She said, "Well, I guess there's no point in asking about the Goatee.

[beeniesmom]

And another... EWWWwww

For all of you who frequent restaurants and understand the need for the service to be faster, this short story is a timeless lesson on how consultants can make a difference to an organization.

Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange, but when another waiter brought our water and utensils I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets. When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, "Why the spoon?" "Well, he explained, "the restaurant's owners hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift."

As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it with his spare. "I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen, instead of making an extra trip to get it right now." I was impressed.

I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly. Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So before he walked off, I asked the waiter "Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?" "Oh, certainly!" Then he lowered his voice. "Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also found out that we can save time in the restroom. By tying this string to the tip of you know what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39 percent.

I asked "After you get it out, how do you put it back?" "Well," he whispered, "I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon.

[beeniesmom]

Mildred was a 93-year-old woman, particularly despondent over the death of her husband, Earl. She decided she would just kill herself and join him in death. Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out Earl's old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart, since it was so badly broken in the first place Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and a burden to someone, she called her doctor's office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be on a woman The doctor said, "Your heart would be just below your left breast" Later that night Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.

[Pam]

1st woman: Hi! My name is Wanda.

2nd woman: Hi! I'm Sylvia. How'd you die?

1st woman: I froze to death.

2nd woman: How horrible!

1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy and finally died a peaceful death.
What about you?

2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating,
so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by
himself in the den watching TV.

1st woman: So, what happened?

2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house
looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through
every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so
exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.

1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer---we'd both still be alive

[Randi]

Great one, Pam!

[kittycats_delight]

As a trucker stops for a red light, a blonde catches up. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door.

The trucker lowers the window, and she says "Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load."

The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street.

When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again. She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door.

Again, the trucker lowers the window. As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly, "Hi my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"

Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street.

At the third red light, the same thing happens again.

All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the truck door. The trucker rolls down the window. Again she says "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"

When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the next light.

When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back to the blonde.

He knocks on her window, and after she lowers it, he says...

"Hi, my name is Kevin, it's winter in Michigan and I'm driving the SALT TRUCK!"

[kittycats_delight]

Newfoundland Valentine's Poem


Fer Me Wife ...
I writes ta say I loves ya b'ye!
Cause I don't say it very much...
Everytime I tries ta cuddle ya
Ya says GET A WAY, DON'T TOUCH!


I tried ta be more gentle
Took me rubbers off outside...
When I tells ya where I was last night
Ya always tinks I lied!


Ya knows I loves me Fishin'
Ya knows I loves me boat...
But you're da life preserver
I needs to stay afloat!


So I got ya sometin' really nice
How much, please don't ask...
But you'll find it a lot easier now
When ya goes ta cut da grass!


Just pull da cord, and stand behind
Steer her as you go...
Next Valentines I'll get ya sometin'
Dat helps ya shovel snow!


So keep up da cookin' and cleanin'
You're de only one I got...
To keep me duds all washed and clean
And me coffee always hot!


You knows dat I appreciates
Your home made buns & bread...
And I hope dat it continues on
Till one of us is dead!




I loves ya b'ye!

[Pam]

Bank Job

A man walks into a bank, gets in line,
and when it is his turn he pulls out a gun and robs the bank.

To make sure he leaves no witnesses he turns around and asks the next customer in line, "Did you see me rob this bank?"

The customer replies, "Yes," whereupon the robber shoots him and kills him.
The robber quickly moves to the next customer in line and says to the man, "Did you see me rob this bank?"

The man calmly responds, "No, but my wife did."

[columbine]

What do you call a police officer's overtime pay?
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Copper Nitrate.

[luv my cats]

HIS ASHES
A guy goes to a girl's house for the first time, and she shows him into the living room. She excuses herself to go to the kitchen to make them a few drinks, and as he's standing there alone, he notices a cute little vase on the mantel. He picks it up, and as he's looking at it, she walks back in. He says "What's this?" She says, "Oh, my father's ashes are in there." He goes, "Jeez...oooh....I..." She says, "Yeah, he's too lazy to go to the kitchen to get an ashtray."

[luv my cats]

OWN BLANKET
A guy's going on a business trip and he has to take his secretary with him, and she's really crazy about him. The first night on the Amtrak, she's in the top bunk and he's in the bottom bunk. She says, "Mr. Forsythe! Mr. Forsythe! I'm chilly! I think I need a blanket!" He says, "Miss Schmitt, how'd you like to pretend you're *Mrs.* Forsythe for a little while? She says, "Oh, I'd like that." He says, "Then get you own damn blanket."