Our PT joke thread

[luv my cats]

How about the stupid guy who got a job at the candy factory, working quality control, throwing away all the M&Ms that said "W"?

[Pam]

Last night, my wife and I were sitting in the living room
seriously discussing a Living Will.
I said to her, "I never want to live in a vegetative state,
dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever
happens, just pull the plug."

She got up, unplugged the TV and then threw out my beer.


She's such a b**ch....

[Medusa]

A Native American paid a visit to a doctor and said "Doc, I have something that's been bothering me all my life and I need to talk to you about it. I have no nipples." The doctor said "Well, let me take a look. Hmmm, how unusual. Does anyone else in your family have this condition?" The Native American said "Yes, all of us have no nipples." The doctor was surprised, to say the least, and he said "Is that so??? Is there anything else that's strange or unusual in your family?" The Native American said "Yes, there are always only 500 people in our tribe. As soon as one is born, another immediately dies, so that the number always remains at 500." The doctor was shocked and said "What's the name of your tribe?" The Native American replied "The Indian Nippleless 500".

[Moesha]

LOL That one made me laugh.

[Catty1]

"The Indian Nippleless 500"

GROOOOANNNNNNNNNN....................

[cassiesmom]

A man picks up a ringing cell phone in his country club locker room. It is his wife.

"Hi, sweety, I am at the mall and I just found a fabulous bargain on a teeny bikini swimsuit for only $150! What do you think?"

"Okay," the man agrees.

"Oh, and I took the BMW in this morning and they have the newest ones with all the bells and whistles for only $75,000 ... and they have the one I reeee-ally want," she gushes.

"Okay,' the man again agrees.

"And, sweety, that gorgeous house at the end of the cul-de-sac - the one with the in-ground pool and the huge outdoor kitchen - it's been reduced to $3 million - should I make an offer?"

Once more, the man agrees, "Okay." She tells him she loves him and rings off.

Holding up the phone, the man announces loudly: "Does anybody know whose phone this is?"

[Catty1]

Too good not to pass on......

A 5 Year Old's First Job

Here's a truly heartwarming story about the bond formed between a
little 5-year-old girl and some construction workers that will make you believe that we all can make a difference when we give a child the gift of our time.

A young family moved into a house, next to a vacant lot. One day, a construction crew began to build a house on the empty lot.
The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in the goings-on and spent much of each day observing the workers.

Eventually the construction crew, all of them 'gems-in-the-rough,' more or less, adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her during coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.

At the end of the first week, they even presented her with a pay envelope containing ten dollars. The little girl took this home to her mother who suggested that she take her ten dollars 'pay' she'd received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.

When the girl and her mom got to the bank, the teller was equally
impressed and asked the little girl how she had come by her very
own pay check at such a young age. The little girl proudly replied, 'I worked last week with a real construction crew building the new
house next door to us.'

'Oh my goodness gracious,' said the teller, 'and will you be working on the house again this week, too?'

The little girl replied, 'I will, if those assholes at Home Depot ever deliver the f--kin' sheet rock...'




Kind of brings a tear to the eye - doesn 't it?

[Trisst]

lol.

I hope no-one here is offended by blonde jokes but im blonde and i like saying them anyway so...
Heres one:
Two blondes were walking back from the market together both having bought chickens. One said to the other "if you can guess how many chickens i bought, you can have both of them"
"Okay" said the other blonde " ummmm...three?"

[Trisst]

Heres one to make you think...

An irishman was captured and was about to be executed.
His captors said" make a statement,
If its True we will shoot you
If its False we will hang you"
"Then here is my statement" said the irishman" I shall be hanged"

Think about it...

[Medusa]

I haven't read this entire thread so if this is a duplicate, I apologize.
************************************************** ***

A drunk was proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends
late one night.

He led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong and a mallet.

'What's with that big brass gong?' one of the guests asked.

'It's not a gong. It's a talking clock', the drunk replied.

'A talking clock? Seriously?' asked his astonished friend.

'Yup', replied the drunk.

'How's it work?' the friend asked, squinting at it.

'Watch', the drunk replied. He picked up the mallet, gave the gong an
ear-shattering pound, and stepped back. The three stood looking at one
another for a moment.

Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed, 'You a**hole!
It's one-fifteen in the morning!'

[Donnaj4962]

Never Choke in a Restaurant in the South!

Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation.

Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, "Kin ya swaller?"

The woman shakes her head no.

Then he asks, "Kin ya breathe?"

The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.

The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue. The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again,the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table.

His partner says, "Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver', but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!"

[cassiesmom]

I was reminded of this today. It's so long that I won't copy it, just the link.


http://www.badpets.net/BadPets/CatRules.html

[Catty1]

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive... so, I took her to a gas station...

And then the fight started...

************************************************** **********************

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security.

The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.

I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.

So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.

She said, 'you should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.'

And then the fight started...

************************************************** *********************

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'

'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'

'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'

And then the fight started...

************************************************** **************** *

I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road
and slowly the other driver got out of his car.

You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny?

Yeah, well I couldn't believe it... he was a DWARF!!!

He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!!!'

So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?'

And then the fight started...

[Catty1]

A man boarded a plane with six children. After they were settled in their seats, a woman sitting across the aisle leaned over and asked,
"Are all of those kids yours?"

He replied, "No m'am. I work for a condom company.
These are customer complaints."

[Catty1]

A lonely widow, age 70, decided that is was time to get married again. She put an ad in the local newspaper that read:


HUSBAND WANTED:
MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's),
MUST NOT BEAT ME,
MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME,
AND MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!
ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.

On the second day she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a gray-haired gentleman sitting in a wheel chair. He had no arms or legs.


'You're not really asking me to consider you, are you?' the widow said. 'Just look at you! You have no legs!'

The old gentleman smiled, 'Therefore, I cannot run around on you!'

'You don't have any arms either!' she snorted.

Again, the old man smiled, 'Therefore, I can never beat you!'

She raised an eyebrow and asked intently, 'Are you still good in bed??'

The old man leaned back, beamed a big smile and said, 'I rang the doorbell, didn't I?'


The wedding is scheduled for Sunday ...