Our PT joke thread

[cassiesmom]

Why couldn't the teenage pirate go to the movie with his friends?
Because it was Arrrrh-rated

[cassiesmom]

I played at my brother's church today (he's the choir director at his church and needed a flutist today). Between the services, the little daughter of one of the ladies in the choir told this joke.

Q: How does a tree get on the Internet?
A: Log in.

[blue]

1.

One year, a husband decided to buy his mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift.

The next year, he didn't buy her a gift.

When she asked him why, he replied, "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"

And that's how the fight started.....

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2.
My wife walked into the den & asked "What's on the TV?" I replied "Dust".

And that's how the fight sta rted.....

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3.
A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband,

'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's near perfect.'

And that's how the fight started.....

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4.
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, 'I want something shiny that goes

from 0 to 200 in about 3 seconds. I bought her a scale.

And that's how the fight started.....

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5.
I asked my wife, 'Where do you want to go for our anniversary?'

It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.

'Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!' she said.

So I suggested, 'How about the kitchen?'

And that's when the fight started....

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6.
My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have sex?'

'No,' she answered.

I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying 'Yes.'

So I said, 'Then I'd like to phone a friend.'

And that's when the fight started....

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7.
When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive. So, I took her to a gas station.

And that's when the fight started.....

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8.
I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95. Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95. I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream.

And that's when the fight started.....

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9.
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'

'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many =0 Ayears ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'

'My God!' says my wife 'Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'

And that's when the fight started.....

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10.
I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car.

You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny?

Yeah, well I couldn't believe it. He was a DWARF!!!

He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!!!'

So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?'

And that's when the fight started.....

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11.
I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first. 'I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.'

He said, 'Aren't you worried about the mad cow?'

'Nah, she can order for herself.'

And that's when the fight started......

[paulana]

[paulana]

[Catty1]

Are You Lonesome Tonight? AARP version

Are you lonesome tonight?
Does your tummy feel tight?
Did you bring your mylanta and tums?

Does your memory stray,
To that bright sunny day,
When you had all your teeth and your gums?

Is your hairline receding?
Your eyes growing dim?
Hysterectomy for her,
And its prostate for him.

Does your back give you pain?
Do your knees predict rain?
Tell me dear, are you lonesome tonight?

Is your blood pressure up?
Good cholesterol down?
Are you eating your low fat cuisine?

All that oat bran and fruit,
Metamucil to boot.
Helps you run like
A well oiled machine.

If it's football or baseball,
He sure knows the score.
Yes, he knows where it's at
But forgets what it's for.

So your gallbladder's gone,
But your gout lingers on,
Tell me dear, are you lonesome tonight?

When you're hungry, he's not,
When you're cold, he is hot,
Then you start that old thermostat war.

When you turn out the light,
He goes left and you go right,
Then you get his great symphonic snore.

He was once so romantic,
So witty and smart;
How did he turn out to be such
A cranky old fart?

So don't take any bets,
It's as good as it gets,
Tell me dear, are you lonesome tonight?

[cassiesmom]

The Allergists voted to scratch it, but the Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.

The Gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling about it, but the Neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve.

The Obstetricians felt they were all laboring under a misconception. Ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted.

Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!" while the Pediatricians said, "Oh, grow up!"

The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, while the Radiologists could see right through it.

The Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing. The Internists thought it was a bitter pill to swallow, and the Plastic Surgeons said, "This puts a whole new face on the matter."

The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists were pissed off at the whole idea.

The Anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas, and the Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.

In the end, the Proctologists won out, leaving the entire decision up to the assholes in Washington!!!

[blue]

Guy goes into a bar, there's a robot bartender. The robot says, "What will you have?" The guy says, "Martini." The robot brings back the best martini ever and says to the man, "What's your IQ?" The guy says, "168". The robot then proceeds to talk about physics, space exploration and medical technology. The guy leaves, but he is curious, so he goes back into the bar.

The robot bartender says,"What will you have?" The guy says, "Martini". Again, the robot makes a great martini, gives it to the man and says, "Whets your IQ?" The guy says, "100." The robot then starts to talk about Nascar, Budweiser and John Deere tractors. The guy leaves, but finds it very interesting, so he thinks he will try it one more time.

He goes back into the bar. The robot says, "What will you have?" The guy says, "Martini", and the r obot brings him another great martini. The robot then says, "Whets your IQ?" The guy says, "Uh, about 50." The robot leans in real close and says, "So, you people still happy you voted for Obama?

[RICHARD]

Three New Navy Ships
USS REAGAN



Seeing it next to the Arizona Memorial really puts its size into perspective.. ENORMOUS!

When the Bridge pipes 'Man the Rail' there is a lot of rail to man on this monster:

Shoulder to shoulder, around 4.5 acres. Her displacement is about 100,000 tons with full complement.

Capability
Top speed exceeds 30 knots, powered by two nuclear reactors that can operate for more than 20 years without refueling.

1. Expected to operate in the fleet for about 50 years
2. Carries over 80 combat aircraft
3. Three arresting cables can stop a 28-ton aircraft going 150 miles per hour in less than 400 feet.

Size
1. Towers 20 stories above the waterline
2. 1092 feet long; nearly as long as the Empire State Building is tall
3. Flight deck covers 4.5 acres
4. 4 bronze propellers, each 21 feet across, weighing 66,200 pounds
5. 2 rudders, each 29 by 22 feet and weighing 50 tons
6. 4 high speed aircraft elevators, each over 4,000 square feet
Capacity
1. Home to about 6,000 Navy personnel
2. Carries enough food and supplies to operate for 90 days
3. 8,150 meals served daily;
4. Distillation plants provide 400,000 gallons of fresh water from sea water daily, enough for 2,000 homes
5. Nearly 30,000 light fixtures and 1,325 miles of cable and wiring 1,400 telephones
6. 14,000 pillowcases and 28,000 sheets
7. Costs the Navy approximately $250,000 per day for pier side operation
8. Costs the Navy approximately $25 million per day for underway operations (Sailor's salaries included).



USS BILL CLINTON
The USS William Jefferson Clinton (CVS1) set sail today from its home port of Vancouver , BC.



The ship is the first of its kind in the Navy and is a standing legacy to President Bill Clinton "for his foresight in military budget cuts and his conduct while holding the (formerly dignified) office of President."
The ship is constructed nearly entirely from recycled aluminum and is completely solar powered with a top speed of 5 knots.
It boasts an arsenal comprised of one (unarmed) F14 Tom Cat or one (unarmed) F18 Hornet aircraft which, although they cannot be launched on the 100 foot flight deck, form a very menacing presence.
As a standing order there are no firearms allowed on board..


This crew, like the crew aboard the USS Jimmy Carter, is specially trained to avoid conflicts and appease any and all enemies of the United States at all costs.
An onboard Type One DNC Universal Translator can send out messages of apology in any language to anyone who may find America offensive. The number of apologies are limitless and though some may seem hollow and disingenuous, the Navy advises all apologies will sound very sincere.
In times of conflict, the USS Clinton has orders to seek refuge in Canada .



USS BARACK OBAMA




Defense: "water pistols"

[Catty1]

The Invisible Man married The Invisible Woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

[cassiesmom]

in honor of Thanksgiving...

a dumb blonde preparing to host her first Thanksgiving calls the turkey hotline for some guidance.

"Turkey hotline, may I help you?"

The blonde asks, "Can you tell me how long it should take to roast a 14-pound turkey?"

"Just a minute," the hotline operator says, flipping through her reference guide to the appropriate page.

"Great! Thanks!" answers the blonde, and hangs up the phone.

[kokopup]

Go Git-Cha Momma

A redneck family from the hills was visiting the city and they were in a
mall for the first time in their lives. The father and son were
strolling around while the wife shopped. They were amazed by almost
everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that
could move apart and then slide back together again.

The boy asked, "Paw, what's at?"

The father (never having seen an elevator ) responded, "Son, I dunno. I

ain't never seen anything like that in my entire life, I ain't got no
idea what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old
lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a
button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a
small
room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small
circular number above the walls light up sequentially. They continued
to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to
light in the reverse order . Then the walls opened up again and a
gorgeous, voluptuous 24 year -old blonde woman stepped out.

The father , not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his
son, "Boy.........go git cha Momma..............."

[RICHARD]

George Bush, Queen Elizabeth, and Vladimir Putin all die and go to hell. While there, they spy a red phone and ask what the phone is for. The devil tells them it is for calling back to Earth. Putin asks to call Russia and talks for 5 minutes. When he was finished the devil informs him that the cost is a million dollars, so Putin writes him a check.

Next Queen Elizabeth calls England and talks for 30 minutes. When she was finished the devil informs her that cost is 6 million dollars, so Queen Elizabeth writes him a check. Finally George Bush gets his turn and talks for 4 hours. When he was finished the devil informed him that there would be no charge for the call and feel free to call the USA anytime.

When Putin hears this he goes ballistic and asks the devil why Bush got to call the USA free. The devil replied, "Since Obama became president of the USA , the country has gone to hell, so it's a local call."

[momcat]

What's stuffed with cheese, covered in sauce, and only comes out during a full moon?

Wolfmanicotti.

[Grace]

At Penn State University, there were four sophomores taking chemistry and
all of them had an 'A' so far. These four friends were so confident that,
the weekend before finals, they decided to visit some friends and have a big
party. They had a great time but, after all the hearty partying, they slept
all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Penn State until early Monday
morning.

Rather than taking the final then, they decided that after the final they
would explain to their professor why they missed it. They said that they
visited friends but on the way back they had a flat tire. As a result, they
missed the final. The professor agreed they could make up the final the next
day. The guys were excited and relieved. They studied that night for the
exam.

The next day the Professor placed them in separate rooms and gave them a
test booklet. They quickly answered the first problem worth 5 points. Cool,
they thought! Each one in separate rooms, thinking this was going to be
easy... then they turned the page. On the second page was written...

For 95 points: Which tire? _________




If you have nothing smart to say, don't say anything...