joke thread

[popcornbird]

I thought it would be nice if we could have a joke thread in which we can all post funny jokes that we would like to share. One thing though......PLEASE KEEP IT CLEAN! Here's my joke....its a blonde joke so no offense to the blondes!!! Just a joke!!!!!!!!!

==============================================
There was a guy who was mowing his lawn when he noticed his next door neighbor (a blonde) kept on running outside and checking her mail. He noticed she kept on doing it over and over.

So he thought, "The next time she runs out here I'm gonna stop and ask her why she keeps on doing that!" So she did it, and he asked her.

And she replied, "I just got a new computer, and it keeps on telling me,...

You've Got Mail!"

[baywatch babe]

i like it 2........

[anna_66]

You know it's funny you mentioned it! I was thinking along the lines of the same thing when I ran across this funny joke, thanks for setting it up already!

It was the end of the school year, and a kindergarten teacher was receiving gifts from her pupils. The florist's son handed her a gift. She shook it, held it overhead, and said, "I bet I know what it is. Flowers." "That's right!" the boy said, "But, how did you know?" "Oh, just a wild guess," she said. The next pupil was the sweet shop owner's daughter. The teacher held her gift overhead, shook it, and said, "I bet I can guess what it is. A box of sweets." "That's right, but how did you know?" asked the girl. "Oh, just a wild guess," said the teacher. The next gift was from the son of the liquor storeowner. The teacher held he package overhead, but it was leaking. She touched a drop off the leakage with her finger and put it to her tongue. "Is it wine?" she asked. "No," the boy replied, with some excitement. The teacher repeated the process, tasting a larger drop of the leakage. "Is it champagne?" she asked. "No," the boy replied, with more excitement. The teacher took one ! more big taste before declaring, "I give up, what is it?" With great glee, the boy replied, "It's a puppy!" SURPRISE!

[Randi]

Not exactly a joke, but ....
Can any of you identify with this?

30 years!

1970: LONG HAIR.
2000: LONGING FOR HAIR.

1970: THE PERFECT HIGH.
2000: THE PERFECT HIGH YIELD MUTUAL FUND.

1970: KEG.
2000: EKG.

1970: ACID ROCK.
2000: ACID REFLUX.

1970: MOVING TO CALIFORNIA BECAUSE IT'S COOL.
2000: MOVING TO CALIFORNIA BECAUSE IT'S WARM.

1970: GROWING POT.
2000: GROWING POT BELLY.

1970: WATCHING JOHN GLENN'S HISTORIC SPACE
FLIGHT WITH YOUR PARENTS.
2000: WATCHING JOHN GLENN'S HISTORIC SPACE
FLIGHT WITH YOUR
CHILDREN.

1970: TRYING TO LOOK LIKE MARLON BRANDO OR
ELIZABETH TAYLOR.
2000: TRYING NOT TO LOOK LIKE MARLON BRANDO
OR ELIZABETH TAYLOR.

1970: SEEDS AND STEMS.
2000: ROUGHAGE.

1970: POPPING PILLS, SMOKING JOINTS.
2000: POPPING JOINTS.

1970: OUR PRESIDENTS STRUGGLE WITH FIDEL.
2000: OUR PRESIDENTS STRUGGLE WITH FIDELITY.

1970: PAAR
2000: AARP

1970: KILLER WEED.
2000: WEED KILLER.

1970: HOPING FOR A BMW.
2000: HOPING FOR A BM.

1970: THE GRATEFUL DEAD.
2000: DR. KEVORKIAN.

1970: GETTING OUT TO A NEW, HIP JOINT.
2000: GETTING A NEW HIP JOINT.

1970: ROLLING STONES.
2000: KIDNEY STONES

1970: SCREW THE SYSTEM!
2000: UPGRADE THE SYSTEM.

1970: PEACE SIGN.
2000: MERCEDES LOGO.

1970: TAKING ACID
2000: TAKING ANTACID.

1970: PASSING THE DRIVERS TEST.
2000: PASSING THE VISION TEST.

1970: " WHATEVER"
2000: " DEPENDS "

[Randi]

Never talk to the parrot

Mrs. Peterson phoned the repairman because her dishwasher quit working. He couldn't accommodate her with an "after-hours" appointment and since she had to go to work, she told him, "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dish washer, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you a check. By the way, I have a large rotweiler inside named Killer; he won't bother you. I also have a parrot, and whatever you do, do not talk to the bird!"

Well, sure enough the dog, Killer, totally ignored the repairman, but the whole time he was there, the parrot cursed, yelled, screamed, and about drove him nuts.

As he was ready to leave, he couldn't resist saying, "You stupid bird, why don't you shut up!"

To which the bird replied, "Killer, get him!!!"

[l-a]

What does an octopus wear when he's freezing?

A COAT OF ARMS!

(lame, I know. )

[L-A.]

I do NOT remember registering twice... really, I don't...

[Sara luvs her Tinky]

> > > The Lone Ranger and Tonto are camping in the desert,
> > > set up their tent, and are asleep. Some hours later,
> > > The Lone Ranger wakes his faithful friend.
> > >
> > > "Tonto, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.
> > >
> > > Tonto replies, "Me see millions of stars."
> > >
> > > "What does that tell you?" ask The Lone Ranger.
> > >
> > > Tonto ponders for a minute.
> > > "Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are
> > > millions of galaxies and potentially billions of
> > > planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in
> > > Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a
> > > quarter past three. Theologically, it's evident the
> > > Lord is all powerful and we are small and
> > > insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have
> > > a beautiful day tomorrow.
> > >
> > > What it tell you, Kemo Sabi?"
> > >
> > > The Lone Ranger is silent for a moment, then speaks.
> > >
> > > "Tonto, you Dumb As., someone has stolen our tent."
> > >

[krazyaboutkatz]

Great jokes everyone. Too bad I can't think of any right now.

[AmberLee]

This joke might be funnier if you are inclined to spend long hours pouring over obscure texts and indicypherable messages:

A sexton in England undertook a project to map all the graves in the churchyard and to create a complete record of the individuals buried there. After years of work and research he had identified all of the stones but one. The stone, flat on the ground and directly behind the old church, bore only the initials H.W.P. The sexton dug through every church record and could find no record of anyone with those initials.

One day the plumber was working on the old water pipes in the church and chatting with the sexton who proceeded to tell him with pride about his project and added that he was greatly troubled by the fact that one stone remained unidentified. The plumber asked which stone that might be and the sexton pointed out the flat stone.

The plumber smiled and replied that he could solve that mystery since he had placed the stone there himself -- H.W.P. marks the location of the Hot Water Pipe.

[anna_66]

One day a blonde walked into a second hand store and asked the clerk "How much is that TV in the window?" The man said, "I'm sorry. I don't sell stuff to blondes." So She walked out. The next day she came in as a red head. She asked how much the TV was in the window again. And again he said he didn't sell things to blondes. The next day she came in again and asked for the third time how much the TV was. The man said "FOR THE FINAL TIME I DONT SALE STUFF TO BLONDES!!" She said, "How did you know I was a blonde?" He said, "That’s not a TV, It’s a microwave!!!!!"

Hope this joke doesn't offend any of you blondes out there!

[anna_66]

I really like this joke!


A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after-work cocktail with her girlfriends when an exceptionally tall, handsome, extremely sexy young man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes away from him. The young man noticed her overly attentive stare & walked directly toward her. Before she could offer her apologies for being so rude for staring, the young man said to her, 'I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $100, on one condition.' Flabbergasted, the woman asked what the condition was. The young man replied, 'You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words.'
The woman considered his proposition for a moment, withdrew from her purse and slowly counted out five $20 bills, which she pressed into the young man's hand along with her address. She looked deeply into his eyes & slowly, meaningfully said, "Clean my house."

[anna_66]

LOL!!!

[krazyaboutkatz]

Great jokes everyone.

[Sara luvs her Tinky]

Here is another joke...... I know it is terrible... but FUNNY!!!

A little old lady goes to the doctor and says,
"Doctor, I have this problem with gas, but it
really doesn't bother me too much. My farts
never smell and are always silent. As a
matter of fact, I've farted at least 20 times
since I've been here in your office. You didn't
know I was farting because they don't smell
and are silent."

The doctor says, "I see, take these pills and
come back to see me next week."

The next week the lady comes back. "Doctor,"
she says, "I don't know what you gave me, but
now my farts...although still silent...
stink terribly."

The doctor says, "Good!!! Now that we've
cleared up your sinuses, let's work on your
hearing."