cheating

[Marigold2]

I just got home at 11:00 pm. Went to work this morning and noticed a voice mail on my phone. A dear friend of mine a young girl in her early 20’s caught her husband cheating again. He is rather a stud I am afraid.
Can we get together to talk she asks, of course I say I will meet you at 7pm at the mall. I race home after work and change cloths.
I meet her for dinner and she told me the whole story, it was just over the phone, they did not meet in person but he has been doing this for 6 months and she does not trust him any more. He says he is sorry but how can she trust him? They have a young child together and if he cheats again she will leave him and take the child with her. We eat and talk and then walk around the restaurant grounds for a half an hour.
Then we drive to her house which is 15 minutes away so I can talk to hubby. I tell him we are going outside for a walk; he knows what is up but bravely walks out with me into the dark warm night. We walk for an hour and he pours his heart out, he is so sorry, knows he messed up. He loves the wife and child, knows he hurt her deeply, won’t do it again. I tell him that I am not angry, that I love them both and he can always call me and talk to me. I tell him this is a sign of a bigger problem and they should go to marriage consuling to find out what is behind his cheating and anger. He listens but will he take my advice, I don’t know?
They have both agreed not to tell her parents, she cannot confide in her mom or dad because then they will make sure the marriage is broken up and husband is never allowed back into the family. I find that so sad. Monica she says I can only confide in you because I know you won’t judge, and of course I won’t. Mistakes happen. I am not mad at either one, just sad that there is so much pain. I love them both and hope they can work this out but certainly understand if she decides to leave him if he cheats again.
As hubby and I are walking (my feet are killing me in these damn heels) his phone rings, it’s the wife. Their precious child requests my presence for a story and a tuck in, we head home.
Child taken care off. I speak to the couple together for a few minutes, give them both my love, remind them of how sorry he is, how good and loving she is and how lucky they are to have each other and to work it out and be happy and to call me if they need me for anything.
I head home, feet aching, heart aching, hoping for the best.
I truly wish that young people would wait till they are older to get married and have more life experience, education, common sense on their side. Getting married at 21 or 22 or 23 or 24 is just too young for most. What is the rush?
Time for bed, thankfully tomorrow is my day off. I already have plans with two friends and am hoping to really enjoy the day. Am also getting my hair cut into a new style and looking forward to that. Small improvement but after today I need a lift.
Good night all.....................

[Taz_Zoee]

That's very nice of you to be a friend for her when she can't talk to her own family. What has me concerned is you say he cheated "again" and she's going to give him one more chance. Is this a three strikes you're out? If this is the second time he's done this why is she giving him another chance?
I don't know the whole story, maybe the word again was a mistake (I hope).
I do happen to know a couple that had this same problem. He cheated and even had another child with the other woman. They got back together eventually. No clue if they are still together now, but it can happen. He needs to gain her trust again and that is not an easy thing to do.

[pomtzu]

My advise would be for Marigold to stay out of other people's marriage problems, even if they see fit to pour their hearts out to her.

They obviously need a professional's help here, and somehow I don't believe that Marigold is qualified as a marriage counselor, and could do more harm than help, by getting involved.

[Bonny]

What do you mean pomtzu. Marigold did tell them to go seek marriage councelling. Confiding in a friend outside your family realm when having marriage diffiuculties brings fairness to both sides in this case.

[Cataholic]

My advise would be for Marigold to stay out of other people's marriage problems, even if they see fit to pour their hearts out to her.

They obviously need a professional's help here, and somehow I don't believe that Marigold is qualified as a marriage counselor, and could do more harm than help, by getting involved.

I could not agree more! It sounds very odd.

[Whisk_Luva]

My advise would be for Marigold to stay out of other people's marriage problems, even if they see fit to pour their hearts out to her.

They obviously need a professional's help here, and somehow I don't believe that Marigold is qualified as a marriage counselor, and could do more harm than help, by getting involved.

I could not agree more! It sounds very odd.

Wait? So Monica should just ignore them when they ask for her advice? I don't understand. What was she meant to do? They asked her to meet up and talk, and Monica being a good friend agreed. Listening to friends problems and helping them out is what part of being a friend is about.

And since when has telling a friend something been odd?

Monica, I am sorry to hear about the whole situation.. sounds very sad. I hope everything works out in the end. You are a great friend and I am sure they are very thankful for you being there for them.

[pomtzu]

What do you mean pomtzu. Marigold did tell them to go seek marriage councelling. Confiding in a friend outside your family realm when having marriage diffiuculties brings fairness to both sides in this case.

Yes - she did tell them to seek counseling - and that should have been the only thing she told them.
She talks with the wife over dinner, and then with the husband on an hour walk??? Lord knows (and I don't care), what "advise" was given in those time frames.
Listen as a friend??? - yes - but keep your "advise" to yourself. That would be the nicest thing she could do to help!

[Whisk_Luva]

Yes - she did tell them to seek counseling - and that should have been the only thing she told them.
She talks with the wife over dinner, and then with the husband on an hour walk??? Lord knows (and I don't care), what "advise" was given in those time frames.
Listen as a friend??? - yes - but keep your "advise" to yourself. That would be the nicest thing she could do to help!

I have to disagree. Sometimes people turn to friends for advice. Sometimes they just need to find out someone elses opinion on the situation. Maybe that advice will help make the decision final, or see another option. Just because Monica advised them, doesn't mean they have to or will listen. In the end it is up to them. Monica was just doing her best to help them as much as possible and I admire her for that.

[pomtzu]

I have to disagree. Sometimes people turn to friends for advice. Sometimes they just need to find out someone elses opinion on the situation. Maybe that advice will help make the decision final, or see another option. Just because Monica advised them, doesn't mean they have to or will listen. In the end it is up to them. Monica was just doing her best to help them as much as possible and I admire her for that.

Other's marriage issues is one thing to keep your nose out of - even if asked. Sooner or later, more than likely, you'll find that you are "taking sides", and it could more likely than not, end the friendship. I've seen it happen, and for someone to think it will never happen to them - well then they need to take the blinders off. I don't claim to be an expert, but at my age, I draw a lot from years of "life's issues". Nuff said..........

[Marigold2]

The wife called me and said "I need to talk to you I can't talk to my mom"
She needed to vent, she needed cry and she needed support.
I as an older married women acted as a mom in this case since she could not go to her own family and had no one else to turn to.
She asked me to talk to hubby. I did. He opened up to me, he also needed to vent and talk and he was the one who kept walking and talking, my feet were killing me in those heels but I didn't say anything, I could tell he needed to talk to someone. Both know I will NOT take sides, both know I will NOT pass judgement. I was there to listen and love and give support, to remind them that they are both beautiful and good, smart, funny, kind and intelligent and as people especially people so young mistakes happen. Yes he has done this before and yes she has forgiven him but she will not forgive next time. That is her choice.
I advised both to see professional help, that does not mean they will.
I love them both very much and they have sought my advice many times in the past and both knew they coud trust me and call me whenever they need a hug or a shoulder to cry on.
I do not understand why I am being picked on for helping two people who ASKED me for help, who needed support. If you don't have family that you can go to for advice and support then you go to a friend, they would not have spoken to me if they did not value my advice or know that I had their interests at heart.
Get off my back Pomtzu, you are very wrong here.
Thank you Ellie for sticking up for me. You are such a sweetheart and no one here should say one mean thing to this young lady.

[Whisk_Luva]

Pomtzu, as Monica said, these people came to her for advice. If they trust her, and will listen to her advice without getting offended, what's the harm? Not everyone is going to think people are taking sides for offering advice, some people will just be happy to have someone who cares enough about them to help them with their issues.

[pomtzu]

Whatever.............

Hopefully it won't backfire on any of the parties involved.

[Prairie Purrs]

One major advantage of confiding in a marriage counselor rather than a friend is that a marriage counselor is ethically obligated to keep the information confidential and not post the details of the situation on the Internet. If I were Monica, I wouldn't be too happy to know that my dirty laundry was being aired in public for total strangers to comment on.

[happylabs]

I have to agree with Pomtzu on this one. It is okay to listen and let your friend vent. However, I would steer clear of giving advice. And I also think it was not appropriate to spend an hour talking with the husband. Why didn't the couple sit down and talk it over between themselves? I have always thought honesty was the best policy between couples, and, that friends should stay out of it. Counseling sounds like the best idea. I hate to say this, but in all likelihood, these two will split up. If he cheated once, he will do it again. The statistics are against them sadly.

[Queen of Poop]

I thank you for taking the time to be a calming force for the two people embroiled in an emotional nightmare. You may have helped them save their marriage, maybe not, it does not matter. You were there for them when they needed support and that's what counts. Hopefully they will take your advice and seek counselling, they will need it to keep their marriage together or to go their separate ways.

What I would have given to have had someone to talk to the first, second or third times he hit me. Maybe it wouldn't have gone on for 8 years. Who knows. But to have had someone I could talk to might have made all the difference for me.

I applaud your efforts.