Betrayed by a very close, personal friend...

[moosmom]

I was scanning through the obits like I do every morning when I noticed my friend's mother had passed away on Monday. Bob, who I've known for over 30 years and have been close with and can tell anything to, lied to me about a very important matter. I feel very angry that he flat out lied to me. My friends mean a lot to me. They are there for me and have been for a long time. Including Bob. I signed the guestbook in the newspaper sending my condolences and he deleted it. He was afraid his fiance' (or so I THOUGHT) would see it. Ya see, she hates my guts because she thinks I'm after Bob. But it's not like that. We are just very close friends. I asked him flat out if he was married and he said no. Well, according to the obituary, he IS married!!

I've never felt so beytrayed in my entire life. I re-entered the condolences in the guestbook. Then went to the gym and worked out till I hurt. I'm off to work and will not be answering any of his calls should HE call me.

Anyone care to comment?

[Kirsten]

Donna, I'm so sorry. Seems like many people disappoint you lately, and that is so sad, and hurtful (experienced betrayal myself several times in my life, and some of these wounds never fully heal, as it seems).

Well, you can only make guesses why he did not tell you about his marriage. Makes you wonder...
Maybe you should confront him, and ask him to explain why he was dishonest to you! Was he the one who has told you to get rid of your cats?

(((HUGS)))
Kirsten

[moosmom]

Kirsten,

Anyone who deliberately lies to me is no longer my friend, plain and simple. I neither need nor want any explanation he has. I wouldn't believe him anyway. The trust is gone, sorry to say.

[Kirsten]

I wouldn't believe him anyway. The trust is gone, sorry to say.

I understand that very well. It's just that sometimes it helps to cope with the bad feelings when you at least understand why a person has acted that way...

It's five years ago that a close friend betrayed me, and it made me a bitter person in many ways. Sometimes I feel I would have better talked to her...

Kirsten

[slick]

He was never a friend to begin with. Friends don't lie to friends, IMO.

[Pam]

Let me play the Devil's Advocate. If I am the fiance or, worse yet, the wife of Bob I might have a problem with your condolences in the guestbook after reading what you said she thinks of you already. Therefore, I think it might be understandable that Bob deleted it in order to avoid "words" at such a difficult time. Since you read the obit, which stated that he was married, and still left a message that also might make the "wife" think not so nice thoughts if you get my drift. I would definitely cross Bob off my list of friends, as deceit is not a trait that anyone likes to have in a friendship. Just move on and feel sorry for the wife as she is married to this guy.

P.S. I would also have not re-entered the condolence in the guest book. Since Bob's mom will not be reading it obviously, and only Bob, it doesn't make a whole lot of sense to re-write it. His deletion spoke volumes.

[caseysmom]

I guess I don't see a huge difference between wife and fiance he is taken either way give the guy a break his mom died maybe he said wife in the obit since its soon to happen.

[moosmom]

Pam,

No, he didn't delete it to avoid words at a difficult time. I know him only too well. He did it to save his own @$$.

I re-entered the condolences and it is in the book. What happens from then on is HIS problem, not mine. I was being sincere and still am. I have deleted his numbers from my phone. If she has a problem with it, let HIM deal with it, I'm done.

[sparks19]

Just out of curiousity... was his mother ill for some time or was this sudden?

If it was something that they knew was going to happen soon perhaps him and his now wife decided to have a quickie wedding so his mom could be there.

Just an idea.

[Karen]

Sadly, people change. I am sorry you have lost a friend, Donna. But you have friends here, anyway!

[Cataholic]

If, at this very difficult time for him, he deleted the first post, I would never have re-posted anything. Whether it was to save his own butt, or not, his mother is dead, and he deserves compassion at this time. The rest can be figured out later.

[Vela]

I aqree with Johanna. I also don't see much of a difference between wife and fiance and because it was being printed, perhaps they decided to PUT wife or it could even be an error on the part of the newspaper, it has happened. It's easier to say "wife" than survived by her son and his fiance, so that would be my guess. I don't see why it's a personal affront to you because he chooses to call her his wife, or even if they DID get married quickly because his mother was ill like Sparks mentioned. That really doesn't have anything to do with you as a person, it has to do with his life, his wife, and his mother's death, which is a difficult time for someone. I wouldn't even say anything but you posted asking what people thought, so there it is.

[Taz_Zoee]

I believe this is the same "friend" that suggested you down-size your cats. I am glad you have written him off as a friend. On a side note: Maybe the "wife" deleted your post in the obit? Either way, it doesn't matter.
As Karen stated, you've got plenty of other friends. It will hurt for a while, but I know you will (if you haven't already) get over it. (that sounds harsh, but it's not meant that way)

I just hate how some women do not trust their man enough for them to have female friends. I have lost many male friends because of their women. Now, Bruce has female friends and I am friends with them too. I trust Bruce and that is what it takes. Trust.

I hope your luck with friends starts getting better here soon, Donna. Sometimes your best friends are ones you've never actually met in person.

[carole]

If it were me Donna, i would not be quite so quick to write him off, personally i would like an explanation and take it from there, however you have to go with your own feelings on this one,remember he is probably grieving right now,and you are certainly not a person without compassion, far from it

Think about it a bit longer before you make a hasty decision,if he really is not worth keeping as a friend, then yep kick him to the kerb, i guess i am saying valuate the friendship,pros and cons and take it from there.

[Daisy and Delilah]

Donna, assuming the issue here is whether he was married or not and he lied to you about it.....I thought the family was in charge of providing the facts for written matter in obits for the papers, etc.
In this case, as Vela said, they could have said anything and gotten it printed. If you two are just good friends, this hopefully won't end your friendship.

I think I would check into this before tossing him aside. Just my 2 cents.